Because of an excess of profits in the fall of 2016, UCSB will be unveiling a new, unprecedented partnership with Netflix that will produce television shows exclusive to UCSB students in the new year. This will not be an educational TV channel, it will be merely be a place for the school’s money to go, like the lacrosse team, so expect some real gems. Here are the shows scheduled to play in prime time:
All Those Who Cannot Surf:
Through the lives of Johnny, Miles, and Jenny, you’ll finally learn to understand those who always say they would like to learn to surf, but just never do for some reason, despite going to a school literally on the beach. See their struggles against the Surfers, aka the other half of campus that constantly battles for the right to the turf, and see them try to find reasons for not learning other than just “being lazy.”
American Horror Story, My Raccoon Nightmare:
Given a record-high 2.5 stars by some random lady on State Street, Raccoon Nightmare is a documentary-style show that recounts the tales of students who’ve had close encounters with the raccoons on UCSB’s campus. Hosted by Buddy the Elf, who had quite the raccoon experience of his own, each week will dive into a different spine-chilling story.
The 8:00 a.m.:
A horror show not meant for the eyes of children, this thriller will “not even attract viewers, it will scare them away.” In a world where every class at UCSB is at eight in the morning, it spreads like a disease throughout campus, causing red, sleepless eyes and mismatching outfits. The worst part of it all? Attendance is mandatory every. single. DAY. Can you make it through this hour long show every week? Tune in to find out… or sleep through it because you can always catch up later.
Target: Life Without One of its Greatest Treasures:
Another documentary-style show, Target is designed to help students cope with the fact that for most of the year, “the store with it all” is not there for them. Every week, a random aisle at Target will be chosen, and Mario Lopez will take you around Goleta and IV to stores that sell the exact same thing. (For instance, last week was the bra section of Target, so Mario took the camera crew to Victoria’s Secret, where he stood outside awkwardly because he was too scared to go inside. The camera crew zoomed in on one of his dimples in a panic and faded to black). Then, to end each week, there’s twenty-five minutes of a different motivational poster plastered on the screen with TLC songs playing in the background.
I Was Hit:
This is a touching, yet hilarious, dramedy about a former soccer player who was hit in the head with a flying tortilla during the biggest game of his career. No longer able to play, this show details his awkward transition from star player to regular guy. See him struggle to flirt, keep up a regular exercise regimen, and make new, non-soccer friends. The nice life he was used to is changed, how will he handle it?
Are you excited? These shows will start as soon as 2017 does, so be prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions that these shows will bring.
In the meantime, tune into The Black Sheep’s weekly podcast!