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11 Things More Dangerous to Society Than Bird Scooters

With UCPD’s recent infiltration of Bruin Walk pervading UCLA student’s thoughts, dreams and driving records, it’s time to remind the population of the truly pressing issues: literally anything else. Grab your helmets because you’re about to embark on a wild ride down a government-mandated roadway.

11.) Actual birds:
Anything with wings is automatically superior to humans. Indisputably, birds could, at any passing second, conquer the human race. Birds are everywhere: in the sky, on land, in your local grocery store. You think a bird shitting on your head is a real day-ruiner? Imagine if they got their talons on some man-made explosives. Each and every bird would become its own aerial bomber.

10.) Vanilla extract:
The shocking disparity between smelling its aromatic goodness and tasting pure rubbing alcohol might be the biggest disappointment of this lifetime. A child’s first glimpse at the deceptively cruel world out there happens when their little, unspoiled mouths make contact with 35% ethyl alcohol.  

9.) Genocide:
Generally deemed a not-so-chill thing, genocide has no good angles. The only thing Bird scooters and genocide have in common is a white guy moving wayyyy too fast.

8.) The iceberg that hit the Titanic:
A devastating ordeal for everyone involved and every teenage girl that will sit at a slumber party and mourn the loss of young, spry Leo for generations to come.

7.) The lack of a Starbucks on the UCLA campus:
Here’s a widely-held opinion: UCLA coffee shops sell brown water. Another widely-held opinion: UCLA students are TIRED. Maybe UCLA should cool it with the $8.2 million dollar tartines and kombucha on tap in favor of the corporate giant that everyone hates but funds anyway.

6.) Chain emails:
Jamie Whistledick once received this email warning him of the ghost of Spooky Bear’s annual return to his murderous splendor and called it “junk mail.” Two hours later, he was neck deep in gumballs cursing himself for being so naïve.

5.) Tide pods:
Remember when psycho parents made defiant children wash their mouths out with soap as a form of punishment? Oh, and remember when adolescents across the world voluntarily subjected themselves to this by biting into capsule-sized poison purely to horrify strangers?

4.) Huge Brussel sprouts:
Biting into a Brussel sprout is a messy and difficult endeavor that should only happen once in your lifetime before you decide it is physically impossible and resolve to take your chances with popping the whole thing in at once.

3.) A reality star holding a position of authority:
What a truly terrifying hypothetical scenario that would absolutely never happen in a nation of rational individuals with the best interest of society, America, and the world at large in mind.

2.) Lava lamps:
That’s some voodoo shit right there.

1.) Danny DeVito:
Imagine if Danny DeVito had literally any other occupation. Your doorbell rings on a Tuesday morning, you open up, and there’s a small gremlin of a man with your mail in hand. You walk into a doctor’s office and there’s Dr. Danny DeVito ready to give you a colonoscopy. You stop by a Chick-fil-A and good ol’ Danny asks you if you want fries with that.

 

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