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5 Reductions to Student Living Now That Strike Demands Have Been Accepted

UCLA strike-handler Alvarez Plock caved to on-campus demands on Thursday, realizing that UCLA students couldn’t function without a stream of dining hall food, like pizza, tater tots, and sadness. Students began forgetting to ask their parents to pay their BruinBills; and, as soon as the money stream slowed down Plock resolved the strike quickly, lest he face the wrath of Chancellor Block, meme god, and decapitator of subordinates. So what will happen to students?

5.) BPlate portions to go from small and healthy to algae-sized minutiae:
In perhaps the most destructive change, BPlate portions are planned to be even smaller so that the students must choose between 17 trips to each station, or shoveling deep dish brownies into their mouths at Covel. He’s never eaten there though, so another concern is how he’ll manage to shrink the portion size down from a quarter of a sweet potato.

4.) No more free condoms:
UCLA is thinking about ending its contraceptive services, citing its lack of profits from the condom-and-lube vending machines around campus. These low profits can be attributed to: people not wanting to buy or use condoms, and total loss of sex drive after finding out you don’t have have a condom, and having to whisper to your partner “hold on, let me run to Ackerman to buy one.”

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3.) Public restrooms will become Slumdog Millionaire-style pits:
In order to save on cleaning costs, Plock agreed to remove all bathrooms from the Hill, and instead dig a communal pit. When confronted about the proposed privacy issues, Mr. Plock said, “It’s 2018. We’re all equal here.” He also cited environmental benefits, claiming “biodegradability” and “ya know, recycling.” What he’d be recycling, we didn’t ask.

2.) To keep up the theme of excessive walking, elevators will be eliminated:
Elevators are expensive: all that electricity, the maintenance, and the fact that they represent UCLA making your life easier. Mr. Plock has proposed removing elevators, reminding everyone that there are existing stairs in every building. If this were to occur, the Union for Bunche’s Top Floor (UBTF) said that they would strike to have elevators placed back into buildings across campus.

1.) Blue Book prices will be raised:
The current price of Blue Books is really, really low. Mr. Plock is thinking of raising these prices to cover the hike in USAC wages, which could help. English majors (who are buying 80-ish of these books per quarter), oppose this price hike. Keep the prices low. For them, at least.

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