With a new USAC president comes new campaign promises (and new USAC fees). Usually we have a love/hate relationship with new fees, like the ones that allowed us a 24-hour gym, or the Bruin Bash fee (although you aren’t guaranteed admittance). Well, here are 8 new fees we know you’ll love!
8.) LimeBike $$$:
Well, you gotta keep the not-Bird industry up and running somehow, right? What better way to do that than charge its users and their friends! For a flat rate of $350, you don’t have to continue the $1 to start requirement and ride “free” whenever you want.
7.) Bird fees:
You can’t charge one without the other, and how exclusive is that? We aren’t an exclusive university, we include everyone! That’s why we all pay ridiculous fees that do nothing but make our wallets thinner! Yippee!
6.) Paying-the-cops-who-ticket-the-Bird-riders fee:
They have to get paid somehow for all those extra hours that they spend ticketing Bird riders. Phew, that must be such a tough job, sitting on Bruin Walk observing those on an E-Scooter or not! Thank you UCPD for keeping us safe from criminals!
5.) Frat party fee:
With the frat ban lifted, the bright idea to charge the student body in funding their parties was born! Like, the UCLA student body does make up 99% of the attendees. Oh, you don’t party? That’s okay, you’re paying for Bruin Bash anyway (without the guarantee of getting in).
4.) Bird helmet fees:
Safety first! You probably bought a helmet already in order to comply with “the law.” But that’s okay, you’re gonna get another one anyway! Remember when you moved into the dorms and you could only use the Grab n’ Go lunch tote to get lunch before 12? Same concept!
3.) Fee for the bar at Kerckhoff that the BU president wants to make:
We all love Kerckhoff coffee, fuck you if you don’t. Adding a bar is the perfect complement to coffee for upperclassmen to get rid of their problems on campus. Not 21? That’s okay, at least you can say you could legally “buy” beer.
2.) Chip Kelly’s Salary fee:
He seems like a good man, and definitely a great coach! Since Mora was the top paid UCLA staff, Kelly’s gotta work his way up there somehow!
1.) A paying-for-the-football-players-essays-to-be-written fee:
You didn’t hear it here first. Who doesn’t know that football players don’t type their own essays? In order to stay winning (or, rather, start winning) we can’t bombard our football players with essays! #MakeUCLAFootballGreatAgain
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