It’s about that time of year again, when every student knows exactly how many days until summer, north campus students study in hammocks next to Janss Steps, and newly-admitted students take trendy photos on the Bruin Statue to post on their social media.
“Riding the Bruin statue. It’s a trend we see every year with no end in sight,” said Director of Admissions Gary Clark. “While it’s not really a problem, we don’t know what kind of message it sends future applicants and current students. Is the statue supposed to be sat on? Is it a rite of passage? Or should we avoid it altogether, and treat it with the same sort of reverence one does with their grandmother’s knick-knacks?”
When we interviewed students on Bruin Walk, we were surprised at the wide variety of responses from students and other passersby. Said one particularly inspired student, “It’s, like, fantastic that we can, like, interact with it. It’s a, like, quintessential part of being a student. I’m like super proud of our school!” Some members of Greek life noted that it’s tradition to sit on the statue while drunk and rowdy for that late night Instagram post, or with your new srat pledge class before the first football game in the fall. The majority of the other answers were in some form of, “What? Who? Who gives a shit?”
The Bruin statue itself had little to say, other than it appreciates the opportunity to stretch out and hibernate during rivalry week when it’s put in the neat little box. When pushed for more of a response, he noted that it’s annoying when students rub his back paw. “I don’t give out good luck for your fucking midterms. Sit on me or ride me into battle like a White Walker on a snow bear if you must, but stop the fucking rubbing. I get such a bad itch, and what can I do about it? If I start moving around to bite it, people would get freaked out. OKAY? Great. Thanks.”
As per usual, we HAD to reach out to our dear, beloved leader, Chancellor Gene Block for comment. “I, for one, am pleased at the school spirit exhibited by our students. Undergraduates and graduates alike revel in the famous statue. Admittedly there was some kickback surrounding the statue a few years back, but the Dean of Acceptance and Inclusivity and I created a new, ongoing panel to gauge the heteronormativity of the statue and whether we should melt it down to mold some more wholesome. But, at the end of the day we realized that some traditions have to stay, regardless of their problematic nature.”
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…