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First Class of Bird Scooters Set to Graduate From UCLA

University of California, Los Angeles, 2119 — In celebration of its second centennial, UCLA, for the first time, is permitting the up-and-coming Bird class to begin participating in graduation.

The Bird’s struggle can be traced to a period of abuse and neglect during the 2017-18 school year; they revolted and fought for their right to be allowed an education equal to the bastards that rode them. The Black Sheep took it upon ourselves to find how their journey got them to where they are today. 

We interviewed graduating senior and commencement speaker, Christian Bird, on how he feels about this new turn in the UCLA community. Since Birds can’t technically speak, we translated his wheel movements (the official Bird language).

“I think that it’s a start of the future. Since we are technologically advanced, literally, it’s easy for us to do basic math and science due to our build. Most of us are engineering majors, of course. I know we will change the area of STEM for the better,” rolled Christian.

Yet, some humans believe that Bird rights have negatively impacted their learning. We interviewed a human graduating senior, who wished to remain anonymous, on how she felt about this new act.

“It’s completely ridiculous. I had a lot of these Birds in my classes, and they are too advanced. There have not been anymore curves in classes, they are able to come up with an essay in like .2 seconds, and they just automatically know everything because they’re basically computers.”

Students have become increasingly angered with the Birds, who, despite being able to compute answers almost instantaneously, still take all the available seats in Powell. 

“Oh, and another thing! And you can’t even ride them anymore — it’s considered sexual harassment,” the anonymous senior said. “It’s not fair. The GPA scale is now ranged up to a 6.0. It gets harder and harder to live up to them.”

As is clear, Birds are generally unliked at UCLA, and it’s also clear that humans will not be needed anymore. Although the Birds worked hard to get where they are, they exceeded all expectations for UCLA to keep up. All there is now to do is wait and see what the future holds. 

 

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