De Neve staff reported that its thawing turkeys, which were supposed to be served to students this week, mysteriously escaped refrigeration, apparently because they were so overwhelmed by students’ finals chatter that they decided to forgo Thanksgiving to study.
The anxiety that comes with having to spend time with expiring grandparents when finals are fast-approaching passed onto De Neve turkeys, who broke out after conjuring up their own phantom worries of failing grades.
At first, the De Neve chefs assumed LiAngelo Ball stole them, but when the staff received a mass text saying, “have dinner w/o us this year—we’re quitting thanksgiving cold turkey,” they knew their entrées excused themselves.
UCLA police, who were immediately alerted, found one turkey at Hedrick holed up in his dorm room as a rotting carcass, frantically studying on Adderall and worrying about his GPA, nearly identically resembling a typical student.
When confronted, he broke down into tears, saying he left to avoid receiving unwelcome advice from relatives at the dinner table.
“I need to study!” the turkey reportedly said. “I don’t have the thyme to be roasted by my family this year!”
Efforts were made to try to console the turkey, who asked to be called McTurkey, and convince him that his fears were delusional, but his mind was already made up.
“I sat in the back fridge and all I could hear was how everyone was going to fail Chem 121,” squawked McTurkey. “I thought I was under a lot of stress with being eaten, but for these kids, it seems like the end of the world!”
The holiday symbol then swiftly dodged police and shimmied out the window, despite being a dead, flightless bird.
A campus-wide turkey hunt ensued as authorities tracked them via headless, hashtag-ridden Instagram selfies. They were spotted most often at these common finals season locations:
-Stress gobbling at Bruin Plate #stuffed
-Stress diarrhea pooping at Kaufman #gravy
-Pretending to study at Powell #pumpkinπ
-Struggling to walk up the Hill with a loaded backpack #pilgrimage
-Drinking cranberry vodka at Sigma Pi #bastedandwasted
During the chase, students were encouraged to call in with relevant information.
“I saw one that was being devoured by squirrels at the Bruin Walk crosswalk,” remembered sophomore Emily Burns. “But he didn’t cross the road because he said, ‘I ain’t no chicken.’”
After finding nothing but fat squirrels on Bruin Walk, police made their way to Powell after a student mistakenly filed a complaint against Zeta Beta Tau.
“Wow, I really thought that thing was the Powell cat that a fraternity skinned as a prank,” said junior Camille Webster.
Unfortunately, the majority of students weren’t at all helpful and police reached a dead-end when their tips line became clogged with animal rights activists and jokesters.
“There are no naked turkeys—it’s all a conspiracy. It’s really just Gene Block without his hairpiece,” said an anonymous tipster.
As the chances of successfully corralling the turkeys became slim, UCLA staff discussed serving pork this year instead.
“Since it’s last minute, we could scour USC for some meat,” suggested a professor. “Plenty of pigs roam there.”
After giving up the search and settling for grade-D Trojan, the turkeys miraculously turned themselves in. They realized that being eaten meant no finals, so they consented to being cooked and served.
“For this Thanksgiving, we’re thankful that digestion will free us from your capitalist education system, which rewards hardworking turkeys with insurmountable debt and unemployment,” said the designated spokes-turkey, Giblet Mayflower, right before entering the oven.
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