It had to happen sometime, right? UCLA’s #2 ranked men’s basketball team lost to #21 Oregon December 28th courtesy of Dillon Francis, who nailed a desperate 3-pointer with 0.8 seconds left to hand the Bruins their first loss of the season. While some students believe this loss will be overall beneficial for the team, others have not taken the news as lightly.
“I’m still shook,” said Jordan, a UCLA sophomore and dedicated Bruin basketball fan. “We shouldn’t have lost. And now I’m returning the pain that the University of Oregon has caused me by holding their sweet little mascots for ransom in my dorm room.”
Jordan explained that he has been capturing live ducks from fountains around Westwood, taking them to his dorm, and sending letters demanding a ransom to the University of Oregon. He claims he has over fifteen held hostage in the bathroom of his dorm.
“I understand that this is a little extreme,” continued Jordan, “but whenever I hear those smug little Oregon students and these live ducks say ‘quack quack’ I just LOSE MY SHIT!! I HATE DUCKS!”
UCLA Administration has been working to resolve this fiasco by working with Jordan and the University of Oregon. After Chancellor Block met with U of O President Schill, University of Oregon released an official statement on the matter: “Although it is disturbing from an animal rights standpoint, we feel that we should note that capturing live ducks affects the University of Oregon in absolutely no way. Isn’t UCLA supposed to be a prestigious university?”
Although Jordan is the only known suspect involved with this string of duck kidnappings, the incident has not been isolated.
“I’m pretty sick of this whole thing,” said Shawn, Jordan’s roommate. “Jordan is a dumbass, I haven’t been able to use our bathroom for two weeks, and last time I tried to take a piss one of the mallards almost pecked me in my pecker. If Bryce Alford had just made his damn free throws, I’d be able to take a dump in peace.”
Jordan has continuously stated that he will not release the Westwood ducks until UCLA beats the Oregon Ducks when the two teams play at Pauley Pavilion on February 9th.
“I’m looking forward to my boys putting a beating on Oregon next month,” stated Jordan. “To be honest, keeping these ducks hostage is kind of consuming my life. I’m hoping my grades don’t suffer too much next quarter.”
Although the meeting between Chancellor Block and President Schill was positive, Schill continued to show disdain for Jordan and UCLA’s obsession with its sports teams.
“Chill out,” stated President Schill, “You guys take basketball too damn seriously.”