It’s finals season, otherwise known as “Please sweet death, welcome me into your terrifyingly blissful embrace” season. You’ve spent ten weeks in a mystifying tornado of shit, isotopes, and more shit, so much so that delivering that blue book to the hands of your merciless oppressor seems anticlimactic. Try one (or all) of these ways to show how you really feel about the hours you spent pondering the intricacies of the War of Jenkins’ Ear.
8.) Yell “fuck you, science” as you turn it in:
A classic but effective homage to 2012’s 21 Jump Street. If you’re a north campus major, feel free to insert the name of your respective course, such as “Fuck you, Literatures of Renaissance and Early Modern Period.” Stay away from doing this with gender studies because you will end up looking like a sexist piece of shit.
7.) Scream as loud as you can as the door shuts behind you:
Both therapeutic for you and jarring for everyone else in the room.
6.) Write A+ on your boobs and flash your TA:
It will probably be the first time [email protected] encounters female anatomy, and he will secretly be thankful. It’s all about that subliminal (or overt) messaging. Alternatively, for the men, writing a “D” on your dick is counterintuitive, but potentially hilarious.
5.) Attempt to perform an exorcism on your professor:
After turning your final in, yell “the power of Christ compels you!” and flick some water from your sticker-clad Hydro Flask directly onto his/ her face.
4.) For your lab final, break all the rules:
Strip naked, take off your close-toed shoes, and drink the chemicals. Your commitment to your finals craft will be commendable. So commendable, in fact, that your professor may even call you an ambulance.
3. Finish your English final, then rip out every page of your Norton/huge book:
Throw in a maniacal laugh or left eye twitch to emphasize the effects of being assigned a 500-page lawnmower manual for a ten-week class.
2.) Dress in a costume of your professor, stand in front of him, and mirror his gestures:
Pull on some oversized khakis, a button-down shirt with the pit stains, and a blazer that hasn’t been washed in the last century. Despite its pretension and veracity, if holding a wooden pipe feels right, it is right.
1.) Moonwalk…all the way out:
Hand in that C+ that you’ve been nursing for the past three hours, take a deep breath, and moonwalk out. Laughter, smiling or music are vehemently prohibited. Slowly, one at a time, your fellow students will notice your silent moonwalk up the aisle of the auditorium, and they will salute you goddammit.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: