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Former Pledges Hazing High Schoolers on UCLA Campus Tour

 

With the close of Christmas break and the week-long hangover from NYE celebrations, Bruin spirits are decidedly not cheery this holiday season. So, it was shocking for many freshmen to witness their Greek classmates, formerly dressed in those required weekly suits, pouring gallons of cheap beer onto the heads of visiting high school seniors. 

The frats attempting to make the younger generation of potential pledges experience the pledge process was particularly amusing for students who’ve seen it a few times. “I was just surprised the high schoolers brought their parents with them. That was a power move, and the new actives had to be respectful,” said a passing sophomore. “I think one of them even offered the dads a beer while spraying the college-seekers with whipped cream.” The “dude” in question gave no explanation for the behavior, and even offered our reporter a cup of jungle juice. 

Onlookers were also privy to the ceremonial pinning of the double “p” pin on aspiring pledges. “The PP pin, for pre-pledge, is representative of our early bond with these fraternity boys and should not be taken as anything but a source of pride. We’re the gentlemen on the row,” said one admittedly confused new member. When prompted as to why the “bond” had to start so early, or was needed at all, he simply took a pull of raspberry-flavored Smirnoff and went stumbling on his way. 

Director of Undergraduate Admissions Gary Clark Jr. was upbeat, “It’s great to see how our extracurricular groups are being so inclusive from the outset! We’re optimistic that other student organizations will get these kids on their email lists too! It’s just one of the many things that sets UCLA apart! Did I mention we’re the school of optimists?” Workers in the admissions office were seen stuffing brochure after brochure filled with pictures showing the diversity of the fraternity system, from pre-Business Economic majors to Business Economic majors. “It’s incredible to see that even without affirmative action programs, UCLA succeeds in filling a diverse Greek row,” said Clark. 

“My parents were surprised when I told them that my pre-pledge duties would only take 3-4 hours a week and wouldn’t involve hazing. I told them that the whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and cherries all over me were part of a fun tour-related activity. I’m just glad they didn’t see me skip that optional class sit-in!” commented an endeavoring pre-pledge. “Plus, they already said I could have 19P which I’ve heard is integral to the pledge process itself! UCLA really is my dream school.” 

When asked directly about this strange phenomenon, newly initiated Sigma Poo freshman Chad Moore had this to say, “These guys need to learn, need to know that we’re different than those ZBC tools! We are an actual brotherhood, and are unique. We rely on one another.” 

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