According to an inside source, in what seems like a desperate fever dream, Zeta Beta Tau has decided to experiment with hiring a frat grandma instead of potentially losing their frat charter.
“I don’t know where you heard that, bro, we’re one of the best frats,” said ZBT’s president, Jordan, who didn’t want to use his last name because “one name sounds way cooler.”
“Getting rid of us would be like getting rid of Thursday nights,” Jordan said. “We just needed a little help with chores.”
Just two months ago, the fraternity received a letter threatening to lose their house unless they fix their debauched reputation. For over 100 guys, that would mean no more cool shirts, no more doing molly for unnecessary reasons, and no more hotboxing their entire house.
To save face, they hired Muriel Ruth Friedman, 81, who in her day was she described as a “grade-A housewife.” Now that her husband’s been 5150’d, Friedman claims to still have a yearning for menial tasks and cleaning up other people’s messes.
“Sororities have them, so why not frats?” Jordan said. “Sororities love the fact that they have a cute little middle-aged women making things smell nice and leaving out bowls of mints.”
It may be like having your mom around when you’re trying to sneak girls upstairs, Jordan said, but why not a frat grandma?
“Grandmas are adorable, oblivious, and cute as hell,” Jordan said. “They feed you, but are none the wiser when you’re drunk at Sunday dinner.”
“She was just so fucking cute,” squealed Brother Joe. “Every time I did something illegal, my mind just went back to her knitting us sweaters at night looking all innocent. And, like, I wanted to help her knit sweaters. I even threw out my bong. I would just feel so dirty if, you know, Muriel saw it.”
In the month that followed, many members went through similarly miraculous transitions. The house stopped smelling like dirty laundry and shitty weed, and instead smelled like lavender body lotion and fresh cinnamon rolls. Instead of Thirsty Thursdays, there were bingo nights. Pledge education soon became cooking classes.
Unfortunately, Friedman’s presence seemed to mess with the frat’s social standing. According to Kaitlyn Reynolds from Alpha Pie Phi, sororities felt no need to hang out with a bunch of “pussies” (her words not ours).
“Usually, I want to hook up with the kind of guys that will text me to buy plan B and then block my number, but the guys there were just, like, husband material,” Reynolds said. “Gross.”
In fact, ZBT’s entire social calendar for next quarter is just the Jesus burger frat and triangle.
“They’re good, respectable young men,” Friedman said.
Member Brayden even claims that he is now saving his born-again virginity until marriage because of Friedman.
“I just feel so guilty fornicating around her,” Brayden said. “She really reminded me of my values.”
He went down the street to the UCC, confessed his sins, and was born again shortly before press time.
It is now highly unlikely that the fraternity’s charter will be revoked, making Friedman a smash hit. But as far as the sex lives, dignity, and social lives of its members, the same cannot be said.
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