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7 Kinky Ways to Seduce Your Bird Scooter

Without frat parties, UCLA students are running out of things to ride. As winter quarter takes its toll on casual sex, many are left to wonder: Is this the end of life as we know it? Will the Plan B vending machine in Ackerman be discontinued due to lack of use? Thanks to a brave new startup for electric scooters, we need not worry. The B-Plate rats aren’t the only tiny rodents on the UCLA campus. Meet the convenient and incredibly sexy Bird scooter.

7.) Dress it up and take it out on the town: 

To seduce your Bird, you must first make it feel special. Give it something nice to wear. Woo it with some Barefoot Pink Moscato. Wine it and dine it before you make love to it.

6.) Hump it: 

Let the Bird bear witness to seven minutes (or seconds) in heaven. Its handle bar is in the optimal position for a good thrust. But remember, play nice.

5.) Straddle it and call it ‘daddy’:

Now that you’ve warmed up your Bird, you can get into the kinky stuff. Throw a leg over the handle bar to let it know you’re flexible. Dabble in pet-names like “daddy.”

4.) Twerk on it:

Get this Bird chirping by giving it a face full of ass. After a long day and countless riders, your Bird just wants to relax. Give it what it wants, and, more importantly, what it needs.

3.) Show it you’re in control:

If your Bird starts acting out, play dominatrix and show it who’s boss. Threaten it by throwing it into a bush. Let its fear turn you on.

2.) Lube it up and stroke it:

As the night begins to wind down, you can experiment with lubing up your Bird. Make sure you get all those hard to reach places: behind the break, under the wheel, maybe it’s dainty little bell. Explore like the sexual pioneer that you are.

1.) Put it in your mouth:

If the Bird refuses to pick up on any of your subtle seductions, consider just putting it in your mouth. It will get the message.

 

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