SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN — After being sent back to the U.S. with all charges dropped against him for shoplifting crimes in China—perhaps due to President Trump’s effort earlier in the week—LiAngelo Ball said he’s worried that this week-long saga might be the last time he is ever mentioned in the national mediascape again.
“It’s scary. One day, you’re stealing Louis Vuitton glasses, and the next, President Trump is speaking to the Chinese president about you,” Ball said, as he looked out the window at 30,000 feet through a pair of Louis Vuitton glasses. “Then, the day after that, you’re on a 12-hour flight back to LA in Air China business class eating peanuts and trying to steal those mini bottles of Jack (Daniels) from the flight attendant. I might have just peaked.”
Through negotiation, world leaders of two of the biggest countries in the world somehow worked the release of freshmen basketball players from a Los Angeles university, because, fuck it, these are the kinds of issues the that get priority nowadays.
When reached for comment about his son’s release, LaVar Ball said he’s looking forward to his son playing for UCLA.
“I’m excited for LaMelo to finish up high school, go to UCLA, and bring Big Baller Brand alongside Lonzo in the NBA,” Lavar said, seemingly unaware about LiAngelo’s release and existance.
LiAngelo, an undeclared freshman, said he’s planning on spending at least 15-30 minutes on the plane ride home deciding what he’ll do at UCLA as a student because, “I don’t think I can make a living off negative press about myself.”
When told by his fellow teammates that this is nearly identical to the business plans of his father, LaVar, and his negotiator, Donald Trump, LiAngelo’s face lit up, according to fellow passengers.
“Well, maybe this isn’t the last time you’ll hear about me,” LiAngelo said.
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