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LiAngelo Ball Caught Shoplifting, Still Unable To Steal Spotlight

HANGZHOU, CHINA — After years suffering as the middle brother in the Ball family, LiAngelo Ball reportedly had enough and took to the streets of China to shoplift items with fellow freshmen, though “pure, unequivocal basketball talent and the spotlight from the rest of his family” was not amongst the items stolen, local authorities said. 

“I’m sick of Lonzo (Zo) with all his big deals and gravity-defying hair,” Ball said from a jail cell in Hangzhou after his arrest. “Even LaMelo (Melo) gets more time than me on ESPN.” 

The alleged shoplifting incident at hand was premeditated, authorities said, adding that, “a middle child like LiAngelo knew that doing this would put him in the spotlight somehow.” After a mediocre performance against Cal State Los Angeles—which included 11 points and 50 percent in the paint—Ball said that he’s “not cut out for this basketball thing.”

One reporter asked why he stole what he did. 

“Well, we have the first tournament game coming up, and I wanted to start doing better,” Ball said. “So we broke into President Jinping’s secret treasure room; he has these shoes that make you the best player on the court, called the triple-B’s,” pausing to clarify any confusion. “No, no correlation to ours, those are just $500.”

As for why Ball committed the shoplifting, he expressed hatred of hanging onto the coattails of his other, more successful brothers. 

“Melo has the Lambo and the half-court shot, Zo has the Lakers and talent, Var (Lavar) has his big mouth and BBB, and I just wanted to be known for something, you know?” Ball told reporters. “I hear this would be the first-ever crime by college basketball students on Chinese soil, so maybe I’ll finally be remembered in history for something.”

Soon thereafter the theft, Ball would soon be caught by the government officials, who added that Ball and his teammates were “probably glad they weren’t in North Korea.” 

Shortly before press time, hundreds of American basketball fans outside the jail cell, yelling for Gelo’s freedom, chanting, “Give us Gelo! Gelo, Gelo, Gelo! We want Ball back!” 

Members of the crowd were concerned that without him, the three B’s in Big Baller Brand wouldn’t make sense, and they weren’t going to let Gelo ruin their favorite players, Lonzo and LaMelo. 

Listen to our podcast. It’s something you can’t steal. 

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