The Judgmental Map of San Jose, California

author-pic at UCLA  

Since San Jose is the third largest city in California (take that, San Francisco!) there are lots of maps of it. But none of these maps show what’s really there. San Jose is the heart of Silicon Valley, so let this judgmental map show you around the city where people live so that they can work somewhere else.

Click to enlarge, dummy!

Tech Bros:
As the heart of Silicon Valley, San Jose attracts a wide variety of Polo-shirted tech bros. In many ways, they are similar to your average businessmen, except that they tend to be in their mid-twenties, don’t know how to cook their own food, and desperately want to be invited to Elon Musk’s Mars colony. In San Jose alone they have founded 57 different startups to help rich people avoid doing their own laundry. It is unknown how long they will be here for, but things seem to be getting worse as Google plans to build its cult compound downtown.

Artisan Cupcake Shops:
Willow Glen may think they are a separate city, but they are not fooling anyone. The rest of the city wants to tell them that they are part of San Jose now, but they are just so precious when they try to do it all on their own. They even have a “downtown” but it consists mostly of places to buy overpriced desserts. Which is great if you like overpriced desserts. Not so great if you want to get a job or enjoy the nightlife. Unless your idea of the nightlife involves an unusual amount of cupcakes.

Where hipsters go on Tinder dates:
San Pedro Square is the center of the downtown renewal efforts in San Jose, and is the perfect place to go on dates with people who wear flannel ironically. Despite the fact that the only thing that differentiates it from a shopping mall food court is the lack of a Kohl’s attached, the collection of restaurants, stores, and bars has gained the reputation of being hip and local. It is one of the best places in San Jose to impress your date with how cool and spontaneous you are, without having to actually be cool or spontaneous in any way.

People who didn’t get into Santa Clara:
San Jose State is a prestigious school, boasting such accolades as “better than community college” and “located in San Jose.” It is the perfect school for people who did not get tired of living with their parents in eighteen years and want to stay home for another four. Of course, it’s not just a commuter school, and has many dorms that range from “pretty bad” to “actually condemned.” If you can manage to register for classes, you will wonder why you had to fight so many people for them. San Jose State certainly has a football team.

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