Upon arriving at this unsympathetic labyrinth called “college,” you soon learn that sleep is an erratic luxury that will disappear from your life for days at a time. An overzealous student still thinks having class at the ass crack of dawn is a feasible option, and, around week two, said student will vehemently regret this decision as his/her attendance is at a solid 30%. Behold, you ignorant undergrad: a list of 7 ways you could have made it to that 8 a.m. class this quarter.
7.) Sleep in the room your class is in:
Honestly, it may be an upgrade from your torturous Classic Triple. You know how to sneak into Boelter from that one time your roommates wouldn’t leave and you wanted to bang the chick you met in AOS1. Now put that sacred knowledge to good use, and set up camp in your classroom.
6.) Stop sleeping altogether:
Focus on the two truly important things in life: coffee and making it for that fucking iClicker quiz.
5.) Take a nap while the large man you hired carries you to class:
Honestly, what can’t you pay a person to do? Target football players first and advertise the extra cardio and strength training. If you get really lucky, they’ll just let you write their essays as payment. Plus, you get to tell every person you meet henceforth that Soso Jamabo carried your feeble, unconscious body to Geo-5.
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New Hampshire – $300 Referral Bounty
Syracuse – $300 Referral Bounty
Ole Miss – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Referral Bounty
Texas A&M CC- $300 Referral Bounty
Colorado State – $300 Referral Bounty
UAB – $300 Referral Bounty
Kansas – $100 Bounty
Mississippi State – $100 Bounty
Mizzou – $100 Bounty
Penn State – $100 Bounty
SUNY Oswego – $100 Bounty
Auburn – $100 Bounty
UNCW – $100 Bounty
Wyoming – $100 Bounty
NC State – $100 Bounty
SLU/WASU – $100 Bounty
Portland – $100 Bounty
Slippery Rock – $100 Bounty
UMass – $100 Bounty
Michigan State – $100 Bounty
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4.) Make your alarm a recording of you calling you a piece of shit:
“Listen, fuckup. Today we decide our future. Will we initiate a downward spiral beginning with this unexcused absence and ending with a sleeping bag on a park bench? Or will we rise to the call of this 7:45 alarm and face our future at its brightest potential?”
3.) Sleep fully-clothed and walk straight to class:
Shoes on, lights off. If hygiene is something you subscribe to, set up your pre-pasted toothbrush on your nightstand and spit on your way to class. The key is to make your trip one fluid motion from the moment you wake up to your arrival.
2.) Set up a trail of breakfast sandwiches leading from your dorm room to your classroom:
At approximately two yards apart, each breakfast sandwich will allow you to expend five Joules of energy, the exact amount necessary to make it to the next breakfast sandwich. In no time, you will make it to your class just in time to puke up the 136 breakfast sandwiches you just consumed.
1.) Have your lines ready for the next morning:
It’s like meal-prepping but with cocaine!
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