As a proud fraternity member and an even prouder feminist, I take offense to harmful stereotypes such as “fraternity bro” or “pussy bitch.” This goes out to all people and women, and especially Lauren, who rejected my advances at Rocco’s the other night.
Lauren, at least I listened to you tell that dumb story before I asked you to come back to my place. I care. My mom always tells me I’ll always be her special boy, so it’s safe to assume that I am well-liked by all women.
You see, I’m not like those other guys. This frat ban was not because of guys like me. I’m in a frat for the brotherhood, not the free pussy—that’s just a fortunate side effect of being an upstanding fucking citizen.
Is it a crime to crack open a cold one with the boys? Studies show that a cold one a day keeps the demons at bay. And I have a lot of demons, actually. I have real big-boy problems, Lauren. I have feelings too.
I don’t even have a good enough GPA to apply into biz-econ, and my dad’s friend, who was supposed to get me a job at Goldman Sachs, just got arrested for tax fraud.
Like I said, these’s are big boy problems.
The roof of my frat house might be the last roof I have over my head, and you have the audacity to tell me no? I don’t think that sounds very fair. Don’t you go to marches about equality or something?
But I don’t want you to think I’m a pity fuck. I have excellent credentials. Katie from Theta once reviewed my performance in bed as “eh,” which is sorority speak for excellent. Julia in Kappa once said my dick was average, and the average size in America is 5.5 inches.
Not too bad if you’re asking a big boy.
Next time a guy buys you an AMF and you think of rudely refusing sexual favors, remember that every guy has a story. The least you can do is donate 30 seconds out of your night for me to rock your world.
Remember, there are guys out there who will slip shit in your drink. I am not one of those guys. All I’m asking for is a blowjob—that’s like saying “Hi” in Hollywood. Then you can go back to your friends and tell more dumb stories.
Brother of Alpha Stige Stigma
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