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PC Student Wants to Rename Chinese New Year “Asian American New Year”


White Northwestern University college of liberal arts student Kip Johnson is awaiting justice for Asians this year in the celebration of Chinese New Year.


“The Asian American community has suffered long enough! They want change, and I know this because I took a course on race and ethics last semester,” Johnson explained as he colored his peaceful protest posters, “calling it Chinese New Year is a full-on offence to the Asian community, we need to start thinking about everyone’s feelings. To isolate the Chinese from everyone else is horrible, not even North Korea is left alone to have their own new year, and they’re under a dictatorship!”


Johnson began this movement three days ago when he first learned about the holiday. 12 people have joined him in solidarity for the Asian American New Year, but Johnson has received some resistance from his peer, Joyce Perez .


“Kip Johnson is an idiot,” Perez said, “I don’t know if he realizes that they also celebrate this holiday in China and that Asians from China aren’t American, but also not all Asians are Chinese, but whatever, those are just facts.”


“From the information my team has gathered, it’s the year of the rooster and I’m ready to enter the — TRIGGER WARNING — cock fight for the all the Asians,” Johnson explained, “I’m not going to physically fight anyone or even use assertive language, but our feelings will make an unprecedented impact. Plus, throwing the other 47 countries a few homemade moon cakes couldn’t hurt.”


Johnson plans on marching the quad until midnight and using the hashtag #CockFight to establish a strong social media presence, where he hopes to get more support from Twitter users around the globe. Johnson stated that if he had known about the holiday earlier, he would have started a campaign.


“I’ve seen #CockFight on Twitter and definitely didn’t expect the content to be about the Chinese New Year.” Perez said, “Kip keeps tweeting about how the rest of the Asian community should be smart enough to align with his movement, but to me that seems a little frickin’ stereotypical.”


“Ok, let me explain this to you since I, like, Bing searched this holiday for almost 3 hours, Johnson said, “we need to grant them the opportunity to become whatever they want to identify as and no one should back down from this #CockFight. It’s all about inclusion, and the best way to start a new and prosperous New Year is to begin it with all of Asia.”


Johnson is still working on the colors of his protest posters, but he is sure they will be a hit along with the moon pie desserts and giant, made in China, dragon consume he ordered off of his mom’s Amazon Prime account.

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