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Fuck It, We Ranked the Frats

Since the frats are effectively banned from UCLA’s campus, we’ve ranked them all to make all you Greek life fuckers notalgic. No, these rankings are not based on who buys Kirkland vs. who buys Prestige. They’re based on nothing but cold, hard letters. Fuck it—we’re ranking the frats on their letters. 

17.) Triangle: 
These guys just said “fuck it” to the whole Greek letter thing and chose a shape. Being from a math and engineering-themed frat, you know these guys are naughty bad boys who don’t play by the rules.

16.) Zeta Beta Tau:
It’s the only frat that doesn’t use exclusively Greek letters, otherwise its members would get confused. It’s best to have letters that are as easy as possible to interpret so the members of ZBT don’t need to use too much brain power.

15.) Theta Xi: 
Xi is a pretty fun letter. Looks cool too. No freshmen really know how to pronounce it, but that’s what makes it more appealing.

14.) TDX:
Sounds like slang for a party drug that a narc would try to sell you. Maybe that’s why they only have six members.

13.) Theta Chi:
Could possibly be the name of a boutique latte. Coming to a $1 Yelp cafe near you.

12.) Sigma Pi:
It really brings to mind images of pie and other dessert delicacies. Too bad it’s just the smell of week-old jungle juice.

11.) Sig Ep:
It just sounds fratty. Both letters are abbreviated, which is a clear sign of dominance.

10.) Sig Nu:
It also sounds fratty. Rolls easily off a drunk guys tongue. “Sig nuuuuu.” Strong representatives for the various Sig frats. But not Sigma Chi, because they’re sigMA Chi.

9.) Sigma Chi:
They’re the most Alpha of the Sig frats. They insist on being called sigMA chi because they demand respect, which is a power move considering they’re all under 5’10″.

8.) SAE (Or Sig Alph, whatever):
Another very Alpha move to change their abbreviation this late in the game. Speculation says that this is so they can avoid the acronym “sexual assault expected,” but it may be a little late for that one. Sorry guys.

7.) Pi Kap:
Nothing to see here. Had to include them to keep up with the alphabetical order.

6.) Phi Psi:
That’s a pretty bold combination of “P” letters. It would be an exciting tongue twister to test out with your drunk friends. “Say Pi Kappa Psi’ 10 times fast.”

5.) Lambda:
They’re so powerful, they only need to go by one letter. They’re avid users of Greekrank, and they want you to know that they really put the ALPHA in lambda chi alpha.

4.) DTD:
Like Phi Psi, they have a strong command of double letters. But it’s funnier because it’s double D’s. Not that they get any.

3.) Beta: 
Although using just the letter re-asserts the fact that these are beta-males, they do win some points for being in the one-letter club.

2.) AEPi:
The name is basically equivalent to bringing a nice boy named Jeremy that your mom can really see you “settling down with” home for Christmas.

1.) Alpha Gamma Omega:
The Christian frat that unfortunately does not have a nickname. Points for having Alpha in the name, and double points for having Jesus burgers.

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