In a stunning case of the unexpected, students from other schools are jealous of Bruins still in classes.
“This goes against all known cases of human psychology,” remarked Gregory A. Miller, the head of UCLA’s psychology department. “It makes no sense when one looks at the common causes of envy in the human mind. My [soon to be unemployed] undergraduates were shocked when I showed them the article in Psychology America earlier this week.” On background, Miller wanted it known that his students obviously didn’t come to office hours to follow up, because, “who ever does?”
Though we at The Black Sheep always trust the polls (we’re big data guys), we needed some personal accounts to verify these seemingly outlandish claims. We turned to Chris “the Goof” Saunders, twin brother of a UCLA freshman, from the University of Miami for comment. “We all wish we could enjoy that SoCal spring while preparing for our exams and kicking it at night. If it’s one thing UCLA students are known for, it’s studying hard but partying even harder. Then you have the quarter system! Fewer classes, and if you hate them, they’re over quickly. Plus, if we went to USC instead [to try and get that same SoCal collegiate experience], we’d have no cash to drop after our dad goes on his ‘business trips’ with his ‘secretary.’”
After getting that opinion from the southeast, we looked north to Berkeley. Freshman Theo Rosenfeld, fresh out of finals, had this to say: “I just wish I could enjoy those rad beaches a few minutes from campus, and trendy coffee shops in DTLA. Plus, Memorial Day (#respectthetroops, #backtheblue) daygers or early summer movie premieres at the Fox Theater. We just don’t have those things at Cal.” When pressed for elaboration on that first bit, he wryly smirked, sipping whatever overpriced shit was being advertised at Urth Cafe.
Current UCLA students were admittedly confused at the jealousy, but recently graduated seniors and others understood the feeling. “I hope these kids appreciate the time they still have. It’s a scary world out there and I would suggest they get real-time experience this summer,” said former senior Drew Trischbitchetta. “Yeah, I get the want to be somewhere where you have control,” commented future lottery pick Lonzo Ball. “At least, when you’re still on campus, you don’t have your dad’s constant pressure, the media’s perpetual gaze, and the expectations on your back of an entire city [Los Angeles], to resurrect a shitty team (the Lakers got the #2 spot in the NBA Draft on Tuesday evening).”
So, when you’re struggling through midterms, papers, and finals in the next few weeks Bruins, remember, some people WISH they were in your shoes. Those fools.