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Top 8 Failed UCLA New Year’s Resolutions of 2018

Remember when you thought that 2017 would be different? New year, new you, and the new president couldn’t be this crazy? Those were the days. You thought you could get a 3.8 at the very least, and could still pull harder than Chad next door. Well, no. Here’s 8 of the top failed UCLA New Year’s resolutions for 2018. 

8.) Go to Powell/YRL/any library on campus to study more:
Sure, get better grades, and get more out of the classes while you’re at it. Hit up those TAs on the weekends for coffee. Actually get to know kids in your (pre-)major!… But you got decent enough grades last quarter by sort of studying, so why change it up now?

7.) Read more (books outside of class):
Sure, what’s the issue here? No brainer. Read more, and become a true renaissance (wo)man! Then again, Netflix and HBOGo are tight, even if both UCLA_WEB_RES and UCLA_WIFI_RES are most certainly not.

6.) Check out “The Study at Hedrick” and get into that indie, studying-at-a-coffee-shop-vibe:
B-Cafe closes at 12 now? And no Late Night on the first weekend back? Are we for real right now? Yeah, let’s hit up the new cafe….JUST KIDDING. It’s a goddamn hike up to Hedrick. And it’s crowded…or so we’ve been told.

5.) Join a club or do something actually “worthwhile” with your time:
Padding our resumes is what got us here. That, and the countless hours of tutoring, so why stop now? Future employers will love that you were the vice-president of the Micronesian Cultural Club! But…there are more quarters to come. Plus, fall quarter club fair is only nine months away. And no, we don’t want to do dance marathon. Thanks brah.

4.) Go to more office hours, even though every academic building is in Sarasota (i.e. they’re far away. Get it? It’s funny):
Nah.

3.) Apply to summer internships. Our RA said BruinView is hella useful:
Another no brainer. We all need to show some work experience. God knows no one cares we’re writing for a two-bit, online “comedy publication.” Gah, just walk by the career center at least…wait, that’s a building right?

2.) Go off-campus on the weekends. Santa Monica is straight up 5-10 minutes away. At least eat out more in Westwood:
There’s no excuse here. Tryna hit up the beach and Getty Villa this coming weekend tbh.

1.) Ah, here it is: work out more. Even once a week. Those two times we went to BFit and Wooden were fairly rewarding, especially with De Neve for dinner afterwards:
Maybe once we get used to our classes and figure out our winter schedule. Maybe. Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!

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