Last year brought your brothers, New Year’s Eve brought you an arbitrary female mouth to shove your drunken tongue into at the stroke of midnight, and now, 2018 is upon us. What will the New Year bring you, UCLA frat boys? You made your resolutions, but has winter rush successfully suppressed your brain cells into hibernation? If you already forgot them, here is a friendly reminder.
10.) Start every story with “I was drunk”:
Just to make sure your audience knows you cannot be held accountable for projectile peeing into your hook up’s portable steamer. Bonus points if they don’t question how you remember the intimate details of the experience.
9.) Make your letters even more visible in your Instagram bio:
Instead of just “sig ep,” try “official member of Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity, California Omicron Chapter at the University of California, Los Angeles. Given a bid on 9/25/17, initiated 6 months, 15 handles of prestige, 35 BCaf swipes and 165 ass kisses later.”
8.) Get one more Kappa formal shirt to wear around campus:
Pair it with a disgusting pair of sweatpants to give the illusion that it was your only clean shirt. Only you will know that you hand wash it every night with lilac-lavender soap to retain the smell of the single hug your date gave you before hiding in the bathroom.
7.) Avoid calling your booty call’s Uber:
Try the classic “we don’t have that where I’m from,” or another favorite “I’ll be worth it.” And don’t worry about her ride home. She’ll most likely take the $5 charge by then.
6.) Inflict even more lasting damage on pledges:
Just in time for your Winter PC! Because bylaw 420 clearly states, “if a new recruit emerges from pledgeship with their sanity, dignity, self-esteem, or liver intact, he did not properly execute pledgeship tasks and should be deemed a ‘pussy’ until the fraternity gets kicked off campus.”
5.) Always go to Wooden with at least three other brothers sporting recruitment tanks:
Without your letters to protect you, girls might notice the 70-pound weights you are struggling to deadlift and the man boobs suffocating under your neon orange Cabo shirt.
4.) Convince someone (anyone) that you’re not a biz econ major just because your dad told you to:
Start by googling ‘business’ and ‘economics’ separately to get a real grasp on what you’re spending 60k a year to learn. Use words like “fervor” and “start-up” at least twice and try to lose them by referencing a House of Cards episode.
3.) Get hooked on two more recreational drugs:
Get creative with it. If you have LSD under your belt, try some DMX or PCP. Abbreviated strong consonants usually connote a cathartic and/or completely terrifying experience.
2.) Last longer than the ice luge:
Pro tip: in your head, recite every individual and subgroup that Lavar Ball has offended in an effort to assert that he, along with his sons, is a “Big Baller.”
1.) Get to second base with a girl while listening to “Mr. Brightside”:
Come out of your cage because you’re doing just fine. She’s gotta be down cause you want it all. Started out with a completely unwarranted pelvis-first approach which she reluctantly agreed to. “How did it end up like this?” she thinks while staring at the “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag hanging behind your top bunk. The next morning she will recount with gratitude “It was only a kiss…It was only a kiss.”
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