UCLA’s Kappa Kappa Kappa fraternity finds itself facing administrative sanctions after successfully hosting the “party of the century” on New Year’s Eve. The fraternity, also known as K3, is blamed for hospitalization of over thirty UCLA students and hundreds of thousands of dollars of property damage along Gayley Avenue in the Los Angeles suburb of Westwood after lighting off over one thousand industrial grade, illegal fireworks and releasing live bears.
“Basically we threw the most lit and most epic party in the history of UCLA,” said Sean, a senior active currently under suspicion of trespassing and disturbing the peace. “People took body shots and passed out on our lawn, the DJ’s music was so loud it broke some of our windows, and I’m pretty sure I accidently pushed Mel Gibson into our pool. One of my best friends took a couple shots with Donald Trump. I mean, I didn’t actually see it, but I saw the pictures. Yeah, some of my buddies got arrested, and they still haven’t caught some of the bears, but our fraternity is now engrained as one of the all-time greats.”
The senior actives ingeniously attempted to claim plausible deniability by suggesting that possession of alcohol, acts of arson and releasing of live bears were the fault of lowerclassmen. Unfortunately, many upperclassmen have been cited as well.
“Basically, I gave the lowerclassmen some fake IDs and cash and told them to go crazy buying alcohol at Target,” said a junior active, who preferred to remain anonymous. “Those little bastards bought out the damn store and even bought some fireworks…Target doesn’t even sell fireworks! But whatever, fireworks have never even been that dangerous. Pretty sure those aren’t what started the fire.”
The University of California Police Department has confirmed that fireworks were the origin of fires started at two neighboring rival fraternities. When this was mentioned to the junior active, he declined to comment.
After mentioning the “rabid bear” incident, the junior continued, “Yeah, that was a big misunderstanding. You see, I told one of the freshmen to ‘make sure the mascot shows up’ for the party, meaning like our actual costumed mascot. This dumbass thought I meant real live bears–or I don’t know, maybe he was just trying to impress me with his ability to wrangle so many of them. If I had known fifteen students were going to be hospitalized with bear-induced injuries, I would’ve been more careful with my words, bro.”
“Honestly, I was just trying to have some fun,” said senior active Sean. “It’s not my fault freshmen girls can’t handle their liquor and my brothers don’t know how to use fireworks. I wasn’t the one who mauled fifteen students. I’m just trying to party, dude.”
After UCLA Chancellor Gene Block was prompted on this issue, he was initially too upset to comment. After a while, all he said on record was, “Where the hell was my invite?”
All UCLA students in the hospital are expected to make a full recovery and K3 is currently deciding on how to pay for damages to the other fraternities. All in all, the members of K3 feel the price they paid was well worth the experience the party provided for the UCLA community.