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UCLA Freshman Becomes First Student in History to Respond to BruinAlert Text Message

Carmela “Coco” Malden, a freshman anthropology major, has become the first person ever to respond to UCLA’s BruinAlert text message. This quarterly test is normally ignored by the student body, so Coco’s one word response has everyone talking.

“We couldn’t believe our eyes at first,” said Scott Dipping, a member of the BruinAlert team. “We’re so used to being ignored, that we thought we were having a collective hallucination. But it turned out to be true! It was the best day of my life, even better than my wedding!”

“I think we should throw her a party,” admitted Amanda Goddard, another BruinAlert team member. “Sure, we’d have to use funds that would otherwise go to notifying people of emergencies, but I feel like this is more important.”

The BruinAlert staff are not the only ones who have expressed their support of Coco.

“I think not replying to texts is messed up,” said Amelia Heart, a sophomore. “I had a friend like that. She didn’t even turn off the iMessage read receipts! It’s like she wanted me to know that she was ignoring me. Carla, if you’re reading this, and you probably are because you read everything, I still haven’t forgiven you.”

However, most students seem unwilling to change their stance based on Coco’s actions.

“Typing ‘YES’ is a big commitment,” argued sophomore Jacob Lam. “What’s next, replying to everyone who texts me? Calling my parents every week? I don’t have time for any of that.”

“If the number isn’t saved on my phone, I’m not replying,” said Sam Kurd, a student who refused to reveal his year. “I don’t even trust my roommates, so why would I trust a stranger? I know they say keep your friends close and enemies closer, but I think it’s safest to just keep everyone out.”

Some students have even started thinking about how to benefit themselves in this situation.

“If I respond to the next BruinAlert, do I become famous too?” asked Clarissa Goldstein, a senior. “Because I’m about to graduate, and I haven’t really left my mark here.”

“I’m so going to slide into Coco’s DMs,” said Richard Garvey, a freshman. “At least I know I’ll get a response.”

Coco herself was initially bemused by the fame. “It’s literally just three letters,” she said. “What’s the big deal?”

When told about the BruinAlert team’s emphatic appreciation for her, however, she became much more interested. “Can these people be my TAs? If they’re so impressed when I write one word, my thousand-word essays will blow them away.”

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…


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