TRAGIC: Stagecoach Converts UCLA Student to Actual Cowboy
In a move that boggled floormates and friends alike, Ryan Squirrel returned from Stagecoach in a cowboy hat, boots, and a big ole belt buckle that read “Everything’s Bigger in Texas.”
The freshman from Colorado never had exhibited an interest in country music prior to this weekend, and had been known around campus for his staunch support of former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Brothers from his fraternity who remembered his instrumental leadership in the Women’s March this past January were aghast when he was spotted wearing a “Hillary blew a 3-1 lead” shirt. This out of character behavior was doubly confusing when he started dropping “y’all” and “you yankees” into conversations left and (mostly) right.
Said his roommate, “I don’t know what to make of this sudden change in countenance. He was so likable and tolerant before…and now he’s become this bigoted freak with the absolute WORST taste in music. I left to take a shower one morning and when I came back, he was shotgunning a Four Loko on MY bed. I had to leave because I was trying to study and he wouldn’t stop whistling Dixie.”
This issue was largely contained to people who knew him before Stagecoach, but spread to the rest of campus after his controversial walk down Bruin Walk carrying the Stars and Bars. The president of the Bruin Democrats, Adolfo Guzman Lopez, had this to say, “Ryan was such a great member of our club in the fall and winter quarters. He led the charge to sign up undocumented and other international students to vote last November, and for that we were so grateful. Though, I can’t say we’re sad to see him go. Bruin Democrats pride ourselves on our openness and diversity, and we really have no place for his recent, problematic behavior in our ranks.”
When we at The Black Sheep caught up to young Squirrel, he was unabashed in his newfound interests. “I’m STOKED for the CMAs in Nashville. I’ll have to miss a few midterms, but the material taught here is #fakenews anyway. The thing is, most of my professors this quarter are a big, fat mess. VERY low energy! I know it, they know it, everybody knows it.” We didn’t really know what to make of that, since we asked how he enjoyed Stagecoach itself, but we were invigorated by the enthusiasm. Stay woke out there Bruins.
Squirrel’s also gave The Black Sheep a behind-the-scenes inside tour of their dorm. Going in it was unknown which side belonged to which roommate, but when we saw the enormous “I LOVE SHANIA TWAIN” poster next to the “MERICA” poster, and the ten-gallon hat on the bed post, we had a pretty good idea of which side belonged to Squirrel. When asked if he would be dorming with Squirrel again next year, Squirrel’s roommate replied, “No comment…partner.”
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…