After a 48-17 loss against a equally-as-bad Utah team on Saturday, UCLA students put to rest the idea of a good football team on Monday morning in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
Students wore blue hats with the Bruin “B” emblazoned. Before the funeral began, one student threw his to the ground, fell to his knees and began wailing, “Why?! Lord, why?! Mora! Rosen!”
UCLA football was dead, and no amount of screaming could do anything about it.
“Today, we come together to grieve UCLA football,” said Father Mitt Johnson, who oversaw the funeral. “They had a good winning streak—we all remember that glorious comeback against Texas A&M, right? But the good Lord had another plan for them. Today, they’re 2-4 in conference with five losses overall, and they’re up there right now, being used as foot rests for our Lord. Because, let’s be real, they’re not good for anything else.”
Throughout the funeral, Father Johnson glanced down at the mahogany casket, stained black with “MORA” spray-painted on in all white. One of the UCLA sorority girls had started running and leaped into the casket, tears flying through the air. Those at the funeral who were near the girl said the tears, “tasted like disappointment and contempt.”
Before being forcibly removed from the casket, she screamed, “Your O-Line was trash,” and landed in a whimper.
Father Johnson was set to end the ceremony there, but everybody agreed that the girl was just another A-Phi who’d fallen off the top of the sorority now that her boytoy football man was a loser.
“There is nothing sadder than having the chance to show the world that you’re not as terrible as they think you are,” Johnson resumed. “I didn’t get that chance. But UCLA football…you had the chance, and you really fucked it.”
Sources said that at this, the students nodded, agreeing.
“Drake Stadium recently broke the record for highest attendance,” Johnson continued. “From now on, I can safely say that UCLA women’s soccer is officially better than UCLA football.
“Students must contend with what to do when UCLA resurrects from the ashes of 2000-shit-teen. Do they go to games? Do they just go to the tailgates? If they give out free food and alcohol, maybe students will show. Rest in peace, UCLA Football, and, in his Lord’s name, A-fucking-men.”
At the end of the ceremony, students left the cemetery and tore off blue and gold, the first step in their process to transfer to USC and renounce UCLA forever.
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