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10 Things You Need To Do To Completion Before Graduating UConn

It’s hard to imagine there’s a world out there where bars don’t partake in Nickel Night, Susan Herbst isn’t to blame for 100% of your problems, and the watchful eye of Tunxis, the Father Raven of UConn, doesn’t guide you home safely at night. Make the most of your final time at UConn by hitting all of the items on our bucket list, assuring that you go out on nothing but an electrifying, bone shivering climax.

10.) Ride the Jonathan The Husky Statue… To Completion:
A rite of passage for every graduating class, hop up on that Jonathan the Husky statue and wave to the camera as you slowly gyrate your groin against Jonathan’s muscled nape. Take your cap off and hoist it in the air in accomplishment, as you place your hand on the small of Jonathan’s back and thrust into him from behind. Start a UConn Huskies chant with passing grads and their visiting families, being sure to coincide the steaming load of jizz filling your pants with the conclusive “WOOF.” Then walk away, sleepy and satisfied. 

9.) Watch The Sunrise and Sunset at Horsebarn Hill… To Completion:
To see the sunrise and sunset at Horsebarn Hill all in one day is a sight that your Instagram will never be able to truly capture, because ejaculating genitals currently go against Instagram’s posting policy. As the piercing yellow sun rises over the horizon and into the milky, lavender sky, it triggers an electric pulse throughout your body that goes unrivaled with anything you’ve ever felt before — until it happens again 12 hours later and you totally cream your jeans. Refractory period reshmactory shmeriod! 

8.) Give The Ted’s Guy A Long And Meaningful Thumb’s Up… To Completion:
He watched you grow from a cocky underclassman with a fake Pennsylvania ID to a full blown Beaver connoisseur with a horrendous drinking problem. He’s always there to greet you at Ted’s with a smile on his face and a thumb facing skyward. Many consider him to be a father figure, and it’s time that you called him daddy yourself. Full disclosure, we’re implying that you need to fuck Carl.

7.) Eat A Meltdown At Sgt. Pep’sTo Completion:
If you’re unfamiliar with what goes into a Sgt. Pep’s meltdown, let us enlighten you: a Philly cheese steak topped with peppers, onions and mozzarella sticks, mac and cheese bites, french fries, buffalo chicken strips, lettuce and tomatoes. Condiments? Optional. 2 liter gallon of cum dripping from your shorts? Mandatory.

6.) Play Big Buck Hunter… To Completion:
The only arcade game on campus sits in a dusty corner in Ted’s, the only action it ever sees being from those who are so shitfaced that they’ve decided to spend money on virtual deer genocide rather than beer genocide. Feel the power of releasing hot lead into fake deer as you release hot semen into your boxers. 

5.) Hit All The Bars… To Completion:
Huskies, Ted’s, other Huskies. It’s weird to imagine a world with more than three bar choices, so live it up while you can by waiting until there’s no cover charge around 11 p.m. and venturing to and from each one… that’s the easy part. The hard part is to stimulate those nasty parts three times in just a few hours.

4.) Experience The Center Court of Gampel… To Completion:
Not many people have sat in center court and looked up at the majestic lights that have seen so many National Championship teams play beneath them. An even more exclusive club is those who’ve sat below the lights while their legs stiffen and they release a hot rope of baby batter all over the place. Geno, a few players from the 1999 Men’s National Championship team in a story we’ve been sworn to secrecy about, and you. 

3.) Play A Slippery, Sensual Game of Oozeball… To Completion:
When you play Oozeball it’s in the back of your mind. You know it is. Just let it happen, just this once. No one needs to know. Just ooze one out nice ‘n slow. If you haven’t oozed an orgasm during a game of Oozeball, did you even go to UConn?

2.) Try Every Flavor At The Dairy Bar… To Completion:
Can I try a sample of the maple walnut? OooHOHhh. And the mint chocolate CHiiaiIIIPPPPPPAAAHHHH. Ok and.. uh, and uhhhHhhHhHh just drip some of that toasted almond amaretto on my chest amaaretooohmygodddd I need a cigarette.  

1.) Eat Everything On The Menu At Wally’s… To Completion:
Rub your nips as you just shove a shitload of bits down into your mouth so hard you can’t breath. Oh yeah, that’s doin’ it for ya. Your time with Wally’s is about to come to an end and you need to feel it again, so so hard. Just stuff that hot chicken in your mouth, burning your tongue just the right amount before you dump a velvety combination of mustard and ketchup all over your face and fall to the ground in shivering fit of ecstasy. No better way to go out than that.  

Need a study break? Listen to our podcast, featuring Elon Musk’s dog walker!

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