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The 5 Dickheads Who Make Everyone’s Lives at UConn Miserable


Here at The Black Sheep we appreciate all of the dumb shit that people do each day. From walking headlong into oncoming traffic with the sole intention of getting clobbered by a ’97 Ford Taurus to the kid that had a meth lab in CTC. We love everyone at UConn, except those who would make our stay here shitty. Those people that have no regard for social constructs are what we call ‘Dickheads’ and here are the 5 Biggest Dickheads at UConn.


5.) Gym Dickhead:

You know you’re the worst person in the gym if you; have a stack of weights that you are pretending to use, you are flexing in the mirror after every set, you take snapchats of yourself, or you grunt excessively. First, no one wants to hear the sounds of a mother giving birth every time you put up mediocre weight on the bench. Second, no one cares that you are working out so there is no need to snapchat your “friends” to remind them how much of a douche-fart you are. Third, if you flex in the mirror you exude stupidity and make everyone around you assume you repeated first grade twice. Finally, there is no need to build a castle out of the weights you aren’t using, normal people would like to use them while you are busy doing your third set of something stupid.


4.) Elevator Dickhead:
People need to learn to use elevators. It’s super easy and here is how: one should wait for everyone to exit the elevator before one enters it. Its literally that easy and involves only one step. The people that can’t comprehend that one simple rule are not people we want to associate with. In fact, from here on out, if you catch someone trying to slide into the elevator like they are sliding into the DMs give them a swift slap to the side of the face, just like their mom would. After that call them a dickhead and send them back in time to the 1977 world series.


3.) Dining Hall Dickhead:
Lines are physical constructs meant for the sole purpose of maintaining order. The subpar mystery meat that they call chicken at the dining hall will still be there in 5 minutes when you arrive at the front of the line. Until then, hold back. Maybe collect your thoughts if you have them or count how many finger you have left. Masturbate for all we care, just don’t hop to the front of the line on diarrhea taco day!


2.) Library Dickhead:

The rules are clearly outlined but we can give you an annotated version. Don’t make any noise on the fourth floor, your breathing is borderline too much. The third floor is mostly greek life, so if you can’t deal with the constant chatter of sorority sloots talking about Becky’s latest VD then we suggest you find a new floor. The second floor is the wild west where cowboys and Indians roam free amongst the bookshelves as they battle for territory. The first floor is for people who are pretending to work. If you break the rules Susan takes you back to her lair and wax your pubes every day for 1 year.


1.) Double-Ended Dildo Dickhead:
Get it? It’s a pun. Its funny because that dildo is huge and the circumference of the tip of the dick (dickhead to the scientifically inclined) is above average in size. In fact, that’s the kind of thing that could send an average person to the hospital. And don’t even think about ass play with that behemoth, we heard from a reliable source that cornholes tear like tissue paper.



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