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5 Finals That UConn Students Would Actually (Maybe) Pass

Who needs to worry about studying for all of the irrelevant classes that will get us nowhere in life when the following classes are the only ones that we really need to worry about this exam season?

NUSC 1234: Introduction to Malnourishment 
While some students are lucky enough to enjoy the benefits of having an Ultimate meal plan, the rest of us plebeians are out here competing in a game of Survivor. It takes a special type of person to be able to live with the thought of not knowing where their next meal is coming from. But somehow, whether it’s bribing pledges for swipes into Northwest, or spending every last Husky Buck on Union pasta, these students have managed to master the competition and are sure to ace this final. For bonus points, they can even fill out a short answer on the perfect combination of toppings that make for the best Blaze pizza slice.

MGMT 6969: The UConn Student and the 8 a.m.
These Huskies know that there’s no way they’re getting their asses out of bed for that 8 a.m. Environmental Law class three times a week. For most, skipping class is a downward spiral. You do it once and, before you know it, you haven’t been to class since the first exam. But only the best can pull this off and still get the A. These students are smart and find at least two kids who go to class regularly and alternate between them when asking for notes. In exchange, you buy each of them a few Beavers at Ted’s when all is said and done. Win-win.

ENGL 2016: The Parking Ticket
After several failed attempts at thinking “hopefully if I park here I won’t get a ticket, even though the sign says I can’t park here,” students learn how to avoid paying for a ticket with a backup plan. This class is for those students who have mastered UConn Parking Services ridiculous parking regulations and have written their way to multiple appealed tickets. There’s no way they won’t ace this final. These students are so skilled in the written word of parking ticket appeals that they could leave a note on their car in an Area 2 spot explaining why they shouldn’t be ticketed and get away with it.

COMM 1738: Nickel Etiquette
This communications class is wildly appropriate because the communications majors are the only ones who can successfully make it to Huskies every week anyways. On this final, students will be tested on proper attire for the bar (including Halloween and summer Nickel attire), appropriate number and type of drinks to get you perfectly blitzed without throwing up in a tiny plastic cup, and the correct maneuvers to get you a spot at the bar. Anybody who doesn’t ace this final will be shunned away to Sports for the remainder of the school year.

GEOG 0032: A Storrs Winter
Offered only in the fall semester, you can pick out the students who are going to ace this final based on what they wear to take it. The A students will be seen wearing their floor length coats, bean boots with 5 inch thick L.L. Bean socks, and a full face mask for wind coverage. There’s no time to be stupid when it comes to winter here in Storrs. Bonus points if you can draw out a route of how to get from one side of campus to the other by going through the most buildings for warmth.

Good luck on finals next week, Huskies. And for those of you who are spending too much time calculating what grade you need to get on the final to pass the class… STAT 6666 is being offered next semester.


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