There was no hootin’ and hollerin’ when the decision for the construction of the new gym was announced. Instead, a gust of angst and disapproval washed across campus. Filled with the misery of another tuition increase, students proactively began stealing more from dining halls and taking longer showers. Fuck it. We are PAYING for a future generation to live out a futuristic gym experience while we use a gym that reeks of fungus and old frying oil. Every morning the sound of metal scraping metal and grown men shouting at one another WWE style wakes even the deepest hangover sleep in the general Storrs area. We want this bullshit to be over, and here’s why it’s dragging out:
5.) Susan has a fat fetish:
A friend of Susan’s has anonymously revealed to us that she’s always derived pleasure from watching those around her grow large. No wonder she’s sticking us with one tiny-ass gym for as long as possible. It was even revealed that she feeds her husband melted dairy bar ice cream through a funnel to better his hibernation-insulation. You can’t make this shit up.
4.) The underground pipes are full of semen:
The pipes have reached capacity; they’re busting from the pressure and just can’t take it anymore. All it takes is one touch and suddenly nut butter is flying through every recently installed window like it’s a John Wick movie.
3.) The workers need a break every time the smell of cow shit wafts in with the breeze:
It’s been so cold recently that shit freezes before it even hits the ground, but the minute the thermometer shows anything past 42, the fumes of decaying hay hits the goddamned ozone. We all have flu masks to protect us from the hair burning odor, but those poor construction workers are fully susceptible. They’ve had year round pink eye, and their eyebrows singed clear off at the start of October. Take your time guys, we understand.
2.) The cranes are just decorative:
Has anybody even seen one move?
1.) The groundhogs of UConn had an underground cock fighting ring:
It took them years to establish, even longer to find a farmer who would sell a cock to a groundhog. Did they think at its prime it was going to be dug up for another building? Not a chance. They put up a fight. Think Naked and Afraid combined with Dirty Jobs. (Oh, Mike Rowe. We miss you, you filthy fuck.)
It’s not about the money, we knew we were walking into a money sucking vacuum the day we applied to be here. It’s about the fact that every day we have to listen to this construction bullshit for a gym that we’re not ever going to fucking use. And it’s also about the money.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!
DM our twitter and we’ll take it from there!