A Judgmental Map of Storrs, CT

author-pic at University of Connecticut  

Dear friends, this is our home away from home: UConn. At The Black Sheep headquarters, with each of us laying face down on a carpet in hopes of getting an erection, we spent hours perusing a proper map of campus in order to give you, the reader, the best possible virtual tour of campus. And trust us when we say, we’re so knowledgble of campus. So much so, that everything here is 176% true. We’re the gd Black Sheep. Think about it, would we lie to you?

Click to enlarge, dummy!

FULL STORRS

North Campus:
North Campus is home to many beautiful places; like Wings Over, a replica of that five-floor Macy’s in Manhattan, Wally’s, some dorms, a Burger King and the police station. We love North Campus for its party atmosphere, YOLO attitude, savings on designer brand boat shoes and, of course, the overwhelming police presence that keeps us safe. North Campus is the perfect spot to let loose, look for a one-night stand and enjoy the mouth-watering holiness that good ol’ Burger King has to offer. Yowzers!

South Campus:
South Campus is totally neat. There’s a Pirates of the Caribbean theme park, some dorms, a hotel with a bar and accompanying jazz musician with nowhere else to turn, and a tattered loose leaf notebook filled with boob drawings somewhere near that outdoor basketball court you bricked a layup at that one time. Not to mention, South Campus is home to the Storrs-Mansfield International Airport, which offers non-stop flights to Raleigh, North Carolina, Bangor, Maine and Beijing, China. Bazinga!

East Campus:
We’ve never been to East Campus, and we hope you haven’t either. East Campus is home to several Pro-Russian Ukrainian militant training camps and there’s also some very old dormitories with non-functioning toilets. If you’re over there and you have to go to the bathroom, well, you’re shit out of luck. PUN INTENDED, BRO. Also, there’s a weird Danish man who shoots off emergency flares at 2 pm every day. His name is Hans and we advise that you don’t talk to Hans. He’s totes a goober. Talk about Habeus Corpus!

West Campus:
CAN YOU HEAR ME WEST CAMPUS???? Of course you can’t, because West Campus was burned to the ground during the Revolutionary War. It’s been uninhabited since Pistol Paul remarried and stop living among the rubble in 1974. Now that’s a spicy meatball!

West-West Campus:
West-West Campus is the rebuilt version of West Campus. Its quaint, vintage style homes offer a much needed break from the rest of UConn’s modern, lifeless architecture. With a plethora of 4-bedroom or 2-bathroom options, this up-and-coming community is a great place for those looking to start a family or simply retreat from city life and settle down in the countryside. Hooooo Boy!

Hey dummy, listen to our podcast!