Global Warming gifted UConn with a shorter winter than Colorado’s March Madness run, and God has is it been fantastic. An early spring brings several life-bettering events, including boys in baseball pants, dartys and of course the opening of the Celeron Trail (or whatever you kids call it these days). The Celeron Trail is a magical .65 mile long pathway that connects thirsty freshman and sophomores with the mature and classy world of UConn juniors and seniors. Much like the Yellow Brick Road connecting Dorothy’s impoverished shithole of a cabin to land of prosperity and wealth, there are plenty of fun things you can find while on the Celeron Trail, and The Black Sheep would like to provide you a checklist of things to look out for.
5.) The PoPo:
Someone dialed 9-Fun-Fun!
The most important thing to be on the look for is the UConn police that have nothing better to do with their nights. These uniformed bozos hang out in the middle of the trail, where they like to scare underage kids into dropping their alcohol in the grass. When they’re off duty, they go back to retrieve the alcohol and drink it. There’s nothing more depressing than having to drop a full bottle of Dubra into a bush before getting to say goodbye, so be sure to bring a bag to hide your shit in. Or a pillowcase. It’s illegal to search a pillowcase without a warrant. Take a law class, bitches.
4.) Dubra Flasks:
Mad Cow Disease In Human Form
Though most people will completely ignore tips given by a satirical website that tells ~tHe LaDiEs~ where to shit, you can be sure to see half full Dubra flasks scattered throughout the premises. While it may be tempting to claim these as your own, we highly discourage this. Zika Virus, Chlamydia, Mad Cow Disease, Lupus, that one where you need to live in an iron lung, Hot Topic Syndrome (this one just sort of involves wearing makeup and listening to Slipknot) and the common head cold are just some of the common diseases found among UConn student — especially those who choose Dubra as their drink of choice.
3.) Sleeping People:
This raven is perched atop his sleeping rock.
While walking going to Celeron is a perky, exciting walk filled with eager eighteen year olds hoping to get lit anywhere, the walk home can be a real drag. Long parties out in the sun force the emotionally weak and alcoholically soft juveniles to make a rash and incorrect decision: sleeping in the bushes along Celeron Trail. When approaching this sight, you can either A) wake them up and help them home, B) take pictures and send them into The Black Sheep for our amusement, or C) lay down and take a quick nap of your own. The choice is yours.
2.) Sad Freshman Boys:
While girls are being wined and dined with jungle juice and a heavy dose of flexin’ bro-ceps, sad freshman boys will undoubtedly be walking home early. Why, you ask? Because if they go to frat parties they’ll steal all the girls and booze from the brothers! Can’t have that, now can we? These suckers get turned away often, and head home to decide on what frat they want to rush so they can actually do something with their lives, or wallow in self-pity, turn on their Nintendo Gamecube and kick some ass in Pokemon Stadium.
“It takes two to tango, brother.”
One of the best parts of the Celeron Trail is the potential chance to make a new friend. Deer love being named cute names like “Wallace” or “Flatulence Parker,” so choose wisely. A deer’s loyalty is one of the greatest assets a human can acquire, so don’t take these mythical creatures for granted. If your roommate Skinner tries to shoot one with a bow and arrow, stab that Cabela’s shopping son of a bitch in the foot with a pitchfork. Not today, Skinner!