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5 Things UConn Kids Do Everyday That’d Earn Them a Degree From Eastern

Did midterms ruin your will to live? Are you considering dropping out of school entirely? Never fear, fellow Huskies. Your bare minimum counts as above-and-beyond over at Eastern, so swap out Storrs for Willimantic and go get that degree!

5.) Do one (1) single pushup at the Rec:
Have you always wanted a degree in kinesiology? Is UConn’s program waaaay too hard for your fat ass? Don’t worry, your dreams aren’t crushed! In order to lock in a prestigious kinesiology degree from a Princeton Review Top 225 school such as Eastern, you only have to do one single pushup. Just lower down, heave on up, and you’ll be on your way to a master’s degree in no time! And if your pushup only took two seconds, we recommend using the remaining 3, 598 seconds to diagnose something. Roommate has a headache after Nickel? Hanover. Bird that flew into your Garrigus suite hasn’t moved? Rigor mortis. With diagnostic skills that rival Web M.D., you can dual degree and go after a health sciences diploma too. We’re pretty sure that guy who wears leopard print is the only doctor in Willimantic, so you’re in good company!

4.) Get high and do some fingerpainting:
At some point this weekend, or even right now, there are some UConn degenerates high as balls fingerpainting a little cabin. At Eastern, they call that Art and Art History. Plagiarize the shit out of a Picasso with finger paint and they’ll swear they’ve found the next da Vinci. It should take you at most an hour to create something so devoid of talent that they’ll call it “modern art.” Heck, your slap-and-dash masterpiece might even get you put in charge of the whole department. The Bent might see through your bullshit, but Eastern won’t, and you can spend the rest of your life docenting at the Ballard Institute or telling other undiagnosed kids not to touch the fucking painting, while planning a Thomas Crown Affair heist of your own.

3.) Just generally know your way around:
Do you get lost going from the Bookstore (#RIP Co-Op) to Gampel? Or one of those weird flat-earthers convinced we’re all going to slide off this plane and into the sucking vacuum of space? Society will tell you you’re damned, but don’t worry! You can still get a geography degree at Eastern. Just point out the earth on a map, and you’re all set! This is especially good for all of you really taking some L’s right now after your two-week-long Halloweekend at Husky Village extravaganza, because you’ve just got to slap your hand down anywhere on the globe. They’ll be dazzled by your innate cartography skills and sheer genius at being able to point to Earth on a map!

2.) Karaoke at Ted’s:
If you came to UConn thinking that you’d be able to casually sing with a great group of people and live your dreams and become a star, think again, motherfucker. At a competitive school like UConn, your tone-deaf karaoke is no match for the angelic voices of the music and theatre major who could’ve won American Idol without even like, trying. Face it, your screamo rendition of Alma Mater just doesn’t compare. But if getting sent home from a Cappella auditions six semesters in a row is starting to get you down, Eastern’s got your back. While UConn demands that you have perfect pitch, you could throw a baseball pitch at the Eastern music professors and they’d give you half credit. You might never make it to Jorgensen, but you can cling to the pipe dream of being the SUBOG Spring Concert headliner, now that you’ve got your degree from Eastern.

1.) Take a shit in the Union:
Wings and Freshens add up quick, Huskies. When you gotta go, you gotta go. But between blasting your bowels all over the third floor U bathrooms (you know, with the weird bathtubs in them?), get credit for doing what you do best; naturally composting. Over at ECSU, that counts toward an Environmental Earth Sciences degree. You might think that no good will come from the war between your lactose-intolerant stomach and small intestine after snarfing down some some mac n’ cheese from the Union Street Market, but you’re wrong. Put that earthy sample to good use by making it your senior thesis at Eastern. Go the extra mile and down some Noodle Bar, and you’re well on your way to a riveting presentation about environmental hazards and groundwater contamination.

Huskies, it’s important to remember that no matter how bad UConn gets you down, it’s UConn. You could be doing way worse. (But if you need an easy A, may we recommend ECSU).

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