The 6 Ways Eastern Kinda Sorta Has An Edge On UConn

author-pic at University of Connecticut  

Yes, we know your soul just cringed. How could someone have the audacity to promote any redeeming qualities about Eastern other than being the butt of all our jokes? UConn is the heart and soul of CT, with a halo radiating golden sunbeams and Geno-Bills on anyone worthy to enough to call themselves Huskies. As painful as it is to admit, though, those Warriors do have some… perks.

6.) Free parking:
Ever notice UConn’s desire to suck every last penny from our pockets? Parking tickets, Husky Bucks fees, locking yourself out of your dorm… are we not charged to ride the shuttles yet? Despite living on a small ass campus, Eastern students are given the advantage dreams are made of: free parking. But that still doesn’t mean they consider it a blessing to escape the Island of Misfits and enjoy a night at UConn. Free parking is just a low-key way for them to trick people into staying longer than they should. 

5.) Free shuttles to the malls:
Sure we’ve got a movie theater, sort of. And Union karaoke. But outside these campus borders there ain’t shit besides cows and a haunted Depot Campus. If you’re a part of the car-less students brigade you understand the struggle. So close your eyes, and imagine that struggle in Willimantic. Since most of their population is either too dumb or too drunk to carry a license, they find one guy in town who can drive everyone else to the malls. Still, a ride’s a ride!

4.) Pancake Thursdays:
The highlight of any Warrior’s week, besides getting over 20 ups on a rad Yik Yak post, is knowing there are free pancakes waiting for their drunk ass after a night at Sports Bar. But get in line quick, there are only enough chocolate chips for the first ten lucky champs, and what’s a pancake without at least a buffet of toppings? Actually, this is beginning to feel like prison more and more. 

3.) Free events:
At UConn any and all comedy shows or EDM raves will cost you an arm and a leg. Be a Warrior and you’ll get into every event just as easy as getting busted for possession of a red Solo cup. Granted the concert will feature Soundcloud rappers found on the Willi streets that morning, but let’s just say the bar ain’t high when the best art within 30 miles is Frog Bridge. 

2.) Impossible not to pass:
Eastern professors show as much interest to teach as Steve Harvey does in hosting another awards show. But hey, if you could escape the all-nighters and heavy workloads for a day of not trying to ace every test, you’d do it. For your own safety while you’re there: don’t use big words. They’ve never been exposed to high educational standards and it’s unknown what may happen.

1.) Suite style dorms for everyone:
Hey seniors, doesn’t it feel great knowing you worked your way up to those rate 5 apartments from the cinderblock cells? But chin up husky pup! Eastern kids will never get to experience that awkward eye contact between a communal shower curtain blowing in the breeze. That’s a memory you’ll cherish forever.

Now that the world is back on its axis and we’re not talking about Eastern anymore, grab yourself a Beaver and remind yourself that UConn is actually the best college there ever was.

Done reading? Listen to our podcast with music producer Chris Gelbuda!