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8 Fresh Hells For Freshmen to Discover at UConn

As they post their last “it’s not a good-bye, it’s a see you later” post to hometown friends, an entirely new batch of freshmen are about to find their place in the good ol’ Sloppy Storrs. Even though we can all agree that UConn is the greatest place on Earth, there are a few things that every Husky learned their first year to be the absolute worst.

8.) Pooping in North:
There’s nothing like the leaving the soundproof walls of your bathroom at home and entering the cold metal dungeons that are North’s Common bathrooms. Are you poop shy? Good luck surviving this semester, as one small passing of gas will echo within the stalls for eternity. God forbid you find yourself in North after last night’s Wings Over did you dirty, because the entire building will hear and feel your pain.

7.) Obtaining Caffeine:
After staying up all night with our best friend Ted, those 8 a.m. classes don’t just happen without the liquid magic that is Dunkin’ iced coffee. The only issue is: a short line to get that coffee is more rare than a frat boy that doesn’t own salmon colored shorts. Say hello to a twenty-minute wait for a cup full of ice and cream, because us Huskies would rather be late to our exam than get the more affordable and easily accessible Union coffee downstairs.

6.) Finding a Seat in McMahon Dining Hall:
If you wear Lululemon and your cravings consist of portion controlled couscous salads, you’re the type of person that will regularly be eating at McMahon. There’s nothing that ruins a tasty leaf topped with diet dressing faster than trying to find a place to sit. With the tables arranged exactly 3 inches apart from each other, trying to move past someone to an open seat is harder than hearing someone say “UConn” in a sentence and trying not to interrupt them with “Huskies.”

5.) The Hilltop Dorms Hill:
“It’s a great location,” they say. “You’re so close to everything,” they claim. Even though your orientation leaders promised you that all of the dorms are magical places where friendships blossom, they never warned you about the near death experience you’d have to go through just to get back to bed after class. By the time you’d bring a girl up to your room you’ll have already used all of your stamina before you could even say “my bunks the top one.”

4.) Garrigus “Air Conditioning”:
Air conditioning is the type of luxury UConn students dream about until you find yourself either waking up in a pool of sweat or in a block of ice every morning. Forget everything you know about being sweaty, because when that AC has an identity crisis and turns into a heater in 90-degree weather, you’ll be experiencing a type of swampy ass you didn’t know was possible.

3.) Drivers That Don’t Stop:
We don’t care if you’re holding up traffic, and we certainly don’t care if you just let 12 other people cross. Tuition is too high to not act like we’re entitled enough to carelessly walk into the middle of the street and have every car and bicyclist stop to let us pass… unless it’s a UConn bus, in which case feel free to pull a Regina George and give us free tuition.

2.) Math and Science Building Stairs:
It’s bad enough that the gen-ed requirements force us to take the deceivingly hard intro math classes, but forcing us to walk up the MSB stairs to get there is a punishment created by the devil himself. The only other option is to take the elevator that looks like it’s a common meeting place for a campus cult (or those guys that run around the quad with Styrofoam swords).

1.) North Eagleville Construction:
Welcome to UConn, class of 2021, where you’ll see no less than 30 hard hats on the way to class. Never will you have the luxury of jumping on red line (it’s gone) after indulging in Dairy Bar, or gazing at the cows, or landing at Austin in under 8 minutes. Take a shot every time you run into a gated off construction zone as you try to find your way around campus. 

To all of the lanyard wearing freshmen out there who are dying to delve into the college life, keep all of these struggles in mind as you start the best and sloppiest four years of your life.

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