Connect with us
Connect with us

Satire

Making an Arsonist: Investigating the UConn Car Fires

 

On the morning of October 11th 2015 the Carriage Apartment residents woke up to the smell of burning car and shame. While the shame was the usual Sunday morning stench, the car smell was new to everyone. After a quick check, The Black Sheep “investigative team” found that UConn had not won a national championship last night, therefore the burned out cars and the motivation for the crime were a mystery.

 

We quickly determined that there was a party on the premises that night due to the unusually high presence of Natural Light cans in the area. We interviewed on party goer, Brodie Summers Class 2018; “The party was a TOTAL RAGER BRO, unlike anything ever, I think aliens visited at around 11 and Tunxis the Father Raven rolled up fashionably late with several future national champions!”

 

At that point Brodie got a bit weird and asked us if we wanted to come back to his place to play air hockey and check out his used condom collection. We declined for safety reasons and canvased for more clues. We searched for hours finding only a used tampon, a credit card that we might will return, and the IDs of Barry McCokinue and Holden Makok — pictured below, if anyone is friends with them:

 

1

2

 

It seemed that all hope was lost. That was when a major breakthrough occurred: we looked up into the forest, eyes squinting looking majestic as fuck. We saw it, it was huge, it was black, and it had two heads. A weapon of this magnitude could only belong to one person and we knew exactly who had done it. Paul Trotman and Rowdy Rick worked together to corral the massive dildo into a bag for evidence. We walked into Susan’s office with a swagger like Jagger and dropped the dildo on her desk, breaking it in half.

 

After a stern talking to and several thousand dollars to pay for the desk, we determined that the car burner could not have been Susan.

 

At that point we returned to our normal daily activities of singing Justin Bieber songs a capella on the fourth floor of the library and crop dusting the people lifting at the gym. It seemed that the mystery would go down as another unsolved case in UConn’s storied history. That is until our weird next door neighbor from last year confessed to the crime.

 

We really should have seen this coming, he would routinely try to initiate threesomes like the porn stars do in those porn movies that you can see on porn websites where you can watch porn that we at The Black Sheep know nothing about. Seriously, don’t even check our search histories because we have never searched anything on the internet ever.

 

Anyway, another crime solved by The Black Sheep. Should you ever need to contact us to report a crime, we have written our collective phone numbers on the inside of a multitude of bathroom stalls. We also have a policy of telling callers that they have the wrong number for security reasons.

 

Continue Reading

More from Satire

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top