Whispers throughout campus hint at an upcoming ordinance — or Frat Activity Ban (FAB) — that would somehow suck more money from the lifeblood of this tiny town (the students) while also cutting down on all the damn noise they create. The Black Sheep sought to investigate this further, as it may have serious impact on student life here at UConn.
“Well, it’s been something we’ve wanted to solve here for a long time,” police commissioner Jim Gordon told our reporter. “You know, we like having students here, parking all over the place and giving them tickets for literally anything. But, there was just one remaining problem with them being here in our quiet little town: every once in a while they’ll invite a few too many people over to the houses they’re paying rent and have signed leases for, and that’s just something we can’t stand. People have jobs and work early, and you know, a party keeps them from doing that. Plus, they ruin the houses they don’t own — I mean, to be fair the government doesn’t own them either, so — wait, where was I?”
When pressed on whether this was something that should concern the private landlords and how they structure their leases, another policeman scoffed from his desk: “Yeah, like that’ll get us the money for some dope new riot gear. Did you hear that? Fuck, stop recording this.”
According to our research, the plan is to, basically, arrest all the tenants in the building if they have a party over 50 people. “Under the guise of a noise complaint or something, you know, cans in the yard, obstructing justice, what have you, we’ll kill the fun in this town,” the commissioner said. “Did I say kill fun? I meant, make this a safer and more livable environment for all people. Yeah that sounds way better.”
“Bro this is fuckin’ bullshit,” local man Mike Moncheeni, who dropped out of rush but still hangs around his Greek friends anyway, told The Black Sheep. “Today they’ll let a party start, follow all the Ubers to one house and arrest everyone, bankroll that shit into some tanks and then guess what? Tomorrow, when we win another National Championship, we’ll all be too doped up on tranquilizers that the celebration will just be us, dead-eyed in a single file line, cheersing Susan who’ll sit in a golden throne at the top of Horsebarn Hill.”
“Why not, like, change zoning laws so we can get some bigger bars or apartment complexes so students don’t have to venture so far out into local territory?” he said in a moment of clarity before saying, “We have to fight for our right to party dude! Wait… whoa, did I just make that up?”
Whether UConn and Mansfield will work in conjunction to get more people out of house parties and into whatever sober event is happening in the Union every weekend (bowling?), or whether they’ll just go the easy route and raise tuition again will soon be seen. Either way, UConn student will always get the shaft #ThanksSusan.
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