For those of you who blew off going to class a majority of the semester, than you will most definitely find yourself in one of the nine circles of finals hell: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, or treachery.
First Circle: Limbo:
“Ignorance is bliss” as some might say. In the beginning stage of finals hell, we all like to tell ourselves that we’ll eventually get around to studying. But in reality, your studious friends are camped out in Laurel Hall, and you spend the two weeks leading up to finals taking all the naps you don’t deserve in those comfy chairs at the Benton.
Second Circle: Lust:
While some people use things like organization and meditation to remain stress-free during finals week, other people prefer more…intimate approaches. They are masters of transforming all the corner study rooms in Homer into multipurpose rooms and that’s why they are almost always “Reserved.”
Third Circle: Gluttony:
Other than the library, the Union is the most popular place to be during finals week. Students spend this week using up all of the points that they’ve neglected to spend during the semester and pig out on Panda Express bowls rather than study for exams. At least these students will receive some needed encouragement from the “SOUP DOUP” guy at the pasta station.
Fourth Circle: Greed:
Every good student knows one or two people who will find themselves in the fourth circle of finals hell. This circle is reserved for the students who slept through class all semester and thought they could get the notes from someone else. Think again you greedy bastards! You’ll never get your hands on your lab partner’s 40-paged PNB study guide.
Fifth Circle: Anger:
This circle is for the students who are now being punished for academic sins they’ve committed throughout the semester. In the week leading up to finals, these students will be riding the line between self-loathing and honest to God fire and brimstone hate-fueled daydreams about pushing their professors in front of an Ice Bus.
Sixth Circle: Heresy:
These students spend their time nitpicking for something in the study guide that they know the professor never talked about in lecture. Good luck navigating the halls of the Physics building trying to attend office hours. What these students don’t realize is that the professors are all-powerful and whatever they say goes.
Seventh Circle: Violence:
These students have entered a state of complete self loathing, and in this circle they inflicts reckless behavior upon them by choosing to go to Nickel and getting trashed every night during finals week instead of going to the library to study.
Eighth Circle: Fraud:
Those online classes and open book tests/quizzes really screw you over when your professor decides to give you a cumulative, written final with no notes. Comm professors are notorious for this. Unfortunately, Google can’t take this exam for you, Einstein.
Ninth Circle: Treachery:
The center of finals hell. The betrayal of trust. The only trust you’ll betray this semester is the trust that you’re parents put in you to be a good student and pass all of your final exams. Have fun explaining to them that you chugged 25 cent drinks from 7/11 every night instead of studying and spent all of their money on DP Dough.
With two weeks left before finals, it’s not too late to repent for your academic sins and try to turn those grades around. May God have mercy on your poor souls.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast with Twitter’s @Rad_Milk!