7 Respectable Establishments That Could Replace Our Fallen Queen, Panda Express

author-pic at University of Connecticut  

Just as Wendy’s throat was cut Red Wedding-style and a new king was chosen to replace him, our greasy queen Panda Express has fallen to treachery. Such is the life of the Game of Munchies™, we must now choose an heir to the throne, and you can bet your ass The Black Sheep’s got you covered with a top 7 list of foineeeee edible honeys that would be suitable to rest its bosom snugly between Subway and One Plate, worse than Wendy’s Plate. Buckle up.

7.) Another Subway:
Hell yeah, you know what it is. Pop another Subway in there and we’ll be the first campus ever to be sporting double S’s. Save yourself some time in that pesky twelve o’clock rush and cop you a foot of bread in half the time. Oh, Subway One is outta pickles? Subway Two’s gotchu baby, pickles up the wahzoo. Subway Two’s tired from a night of partying? Subway One went to bed at nine and folded your laundry. 

6.) Chik-fil-A:
Why does Hartford campus get to be in such close vicinity to that brand spanking new throne of chicken goodness? Storrs doesn’t like when its beat out in any way by other branches, so that should be enough to get this insanely good fast food on the docket. Chicken Biscuits all day, everyday.

5.) Starbucks:
One could argue that there’s nothing that divides New Englanders more than the Starbucks v. Dunkin’ debate. Not to mention that the line at Dunkin’ is as tried and true a struggle as driving through campus without being delayed by construction. Let the sides fight to the death and give us that good ol’ dark roast in a venti cup with extra almond milk.

4.) Taco Bell:
This bad boy is not only a personal favorite and the old Hand of the King, it is the Goddamn rightful heir to the greasy Panda Express throne. Taco Bell isn’t just cheap. It is delectable. It is beefy. And it is easy to like because if you like one item on their menu, you like it all because it all tastes the same (in the most respectful way possible). Fire sauce is in our blood!

3.) Wood n’ Tap:
There needs to be more than one restaurant where UConn students can eat classy af at the U (looking at you Chuck & Augie’s). With its organic bison burger and $5 mules at happy hour, the monopoly of slightly-better-quality food than Friendly’s is abolished.

2.) A Golden Trough for Susan Herbst to Feast Upon the Corpses of Students:
This is the best choice. This is good for the UConn community and Susan Herbst. I am not being held against my will in anyway at the time of writing this. I love Susan Herbst and extra Student Fees. Susan for Queen.

1.) A Liquor Store:
Who needs food when you can pummel a bottle of CT-grown moonshine and do drunk karaoke with that kid who is always there doing karaoke (much respect man). It may be the bastard daughter of some unknown lord, but we would gladly call it our queen, so long as she sells alcoholic whipped cream to put on top of Irish car bombs.

These are the only choices. There are no other options. The queen will be decided at the same time Storrs Landing is done with construction. To pass the time these next eighty years, hop up on that Black Sheep social media train to ride it out with more Game of Thrones inspired rhetoric.

Hey dummy, listen to our ladies-only podcast!