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The Personalities of Each UConn Campus, from Mother Susan’s Perspective

After its initial conception and gestating throughout its months of development, the UConn Hartford campus has finally opened to a world of people who thought there was already a campus in Hartford. Despite many celebrations about the grand premiere, one wonders what all powerful mother Susan thinks about the satellite campuses. Many of you may not have even heard of some, so here’s a rundown from a parental perspective:

First came the main branch Storrs in 1881, who had all the trappings of the firstborn: arrogance, closeness to the president, and a whole Northeastern Connecticut playground all to itself. While Storrs was at first dedicated to academics it has since become a basketball-heavy brand to sell $90 clothing, and therefore gets away with a lot under Susan’s purview.

Avery Point:
Then in 1967 came Avery Point, who got really into marine biology and can’t hold a conversation that doesn’t refer to some sort of Cod or Bass and ironically, makes you want to drown yourself.  Luckily, Susan sequestered this black sheep campus to a tiny island on the coast of Groton filled with students who were too obsessed with Deadliest Catch in high school.

In 1990, construction finished on the Stamford branch, a classic middle-campus. Sure, at first a lot of UConn’s attention was on Stamford, but as soon as younger campuses came along, it became just a campus without a whole lot of attention. The only thing Stamford has going for it nowadays is its proximity to New York City. UConn’s initiative to make Stamford the “sixth borough” is a lot of pressure to put on a campus, making it the sibling with crippling anxiety to succeed and thus turn to bath salts and calling its parents by their first name. It’s a campus that had a lot of potential growing up, but just ran with the “wrong crowd,” according to Susan. 

Waterbury is the campus you just found out exists, and is one of the smaller and quieter campuses to retain that status. It wanted to be the “city” campus ever since its inception, but Hartford beat it out without even having to be in downtown Hartford until last month. This campus resigned to be the mall rat of the group, with its relative closeness to Brass Mill Center — the mall in CT that no one cares about, and you only knew about it you grew up within 10 miles of it.

And now there is the Hartford campus, the youngest and most needing of attention. It has no real distinct qualities of its own, so it has emulated elements of its elder sibling campuses. It has its own smaller, dinkier Business School like Storrs and a runt of a class size like Waterbury. One day it may find its own thing related to its surrounding area of Hartford, like classes on XFinity Center maintenance and the art of happy hour in West Hartford Center.

Torrington went off the rails a year back, and Susan doesn’t like to talk about it. You’ll find the remnants of this campus rotting away in the cow fields of the very small rural section of this equally rotting town. RIP. At least you still have the Warner Theatre.

Susan has decided that despite the differences between the campuses and because of  the fact that she can’t admit Storrs is her favorite that they will operate these campuses without any favorites. Hartford will have to learn how to take care of itself despite the fact that UConn is treating it the same way it treats Storrs, wink wink. If any of the campuses talk about how UConn is obviously not playing favorites, we can expect what will happen. #IStandWithTorrington

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