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Ranking Potential UConn Men’s Basketball Coaches by Mustache

RIP Kevin Ollie(‘s mustache), hopefully Susanator didn’t totally fuck you over trying to save a few more bucks by firing you for just cause. You started out so strong, but then things quickly turned. Perhaps you’re better off glistening under the lights of NBA arena, or perhaps it just wasn’t meant to but, but goodnight sweet prince, your watch at Gampel has ended. So now the search begins — who can fill the upper lip space of Kevin Ollie’s mustache here at UConn? Let’s look at the top candidates circling the rumor mill so far. 

5.) Tom Crean:

UConn fans will collectively crean their jeans if the former IU coach can do to UConn what it did to another former college basketball powerhouse turned-stale and irrelevant. However, we’re unsure there has ever been more than peach fuzz above Tom Crean’s upper lip, so we don’t really see this happening. 

4.) Geno:

Por que no los dos? Or move to the men’s side of things? Or does he enjoy winning too much. Either way, you just know Geno can grow a fuckin’ mustache. Look at that mug. He’d grow a sellick in like, six hours if he wanted to, but he doesn’t. Such a powerful aphrodisiac on the sidelines of women’s games, and we’d have ladies crawling from the stands on onto the court every game. 

3.) Rick Pitino:

No one wants this to happen but it’s obligatory. Trying to picture him with a mustache is actually kind of frightening, that leathery, skeletor face, wet with salty sweat dripping into a thin, wispy mustache that kind of pokes into his lipless bird mouth. Can’t afford that. Kevin turned out to be a dud coaching-wise but looks-wise, leagues ahead of Ricky. 

2.) David Fizdale:

More of a pipedream candidate because my god, look at that facial hair. It’s like thick astroturf. You could scrub dishes with that mustache. 

1.) Danny Hurley:

What a man. What a smile. Look at that 80 watt smile and picture a mustache above it. Did you see nets being cut down? Wasting his life away at Rhode Island, Hurley could come to UConn and realize his destiny. 

Did we miss anyone? Please DM their name and picture of their mouth, or your mouth if you’re feelin’ weird, to our Instagram: @blacksheepuconn. And DB if you’re reading this, hi :).

 

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