Recruitment Strategy to Make UConn Women’s Basketball Suck More Revealed
After making history days ago with their 97 game win streak, the UConn women’s basketball team is looking for new ways to be challenged, something they haven’t experienced since 2013. An interesting strategy for recruitment will take place beginning next semester to present new challenges to the team, and The Black Sheep got the scoop.
Geno Auriemma was the first to comment on the motivation behind the aforementioned strategy. “Yeah, our girl’s aren’t getting the challenge they need. At this point, the streak has become more of a curse than a blessing; people don’t go to the women’s games anymore because they know we’re going to win.”
Watching a UConn women’s game these days is the equivalent of watching a Patriots game. You know the Patriots are gonna win, hating on them is only going to make you look stupid for wishing otherwise.
UConn officials have already set in motion this strategy that will rejuvenate the once interesting “all fundamentals” sport that is women’s basketball. University President Susan Herbst sat down for a quick talk about what that could entail. “Our goal is to bring back the struggle and hardwork of women’s basketball. That’s why we have started to recruit-non athletes to join the team.”
The task calls for a very ambitious set of untalented individuals. The university is rumored to be in talks with members of the Cannoli club, the Videogame club, as well as the much sought after Chess club.
“By having these obligatory UConn un-athletics, we are giving the women their challenge back, we’re giving the team back to the fans. Maybe, just maybe, we will start to see games that are won only by 10 or 15 points, rather than the usual 50 to 60 points,” said Auriemma.
NCAA officials favor the idea, suggesting a step even further should be taken to make games “fair,” or at least appear that way. The Black Sheep was leaked a document from an unnamed source that explains a method in which to further inhibit the UConn women.
“Those who preside on the side of the UConn Women’s basketball team (as recognized by the NCAA) are henceforth required to spin in a circle 33 times, chug a pitcher of Natural Ice, and do a standing backflip. These actions are to be performed before each quarter and during either team’s timeouts,” the document reads. Susan Herbst has yet to confirm the validity of the document we received, if ever.
However, students on campus seem to be taking the news with a sparked interest. “If I can get a snap of Gabby Williams chugging Natty Ice, then you can bet I’ll hit the game up before Nickel,” said eighth semester communication major, Michael Stewart.
While the ruling to inhibit the women’s team hasn’t been set in stone, UConn basketball fans can expect the new regulations to be implemented by fall 2017.
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