A Painfully Sober Review of a Painful SUBOG Spring Weekend 2017

author-pic at University of Connecticut  

We came into Spring Weekend with low expectations, and let’s just say we’re happy we saved our booze for next week. Spring Weekend sure as hell ain’t what it used to be, but we went anyway. Here’s everything you didn’t miss. 

Day 1:
First of all, who decided that it should start on a Thursday? We’re pretty sure no one went to any events because, you know, class… and by “class” we mean getting stoned and gorging on Thai ice cream in Storrs Center.

SUBOG definitely worked their asses off trying to make the best out of Spring Weekend, since Susan basically turned this place into a prison. Wristbands were locked on right at the entryway and were way too tight. Once on, that shit was on until you cut it off.

Day 2:
We were stone cold sober for this day, would not recommend. Some of us did the AKLeap of Faith, which was fun because it was similar to throwing yourself off of a building, which we all want to do since this is the last week of school. Of course, this allowed us to jump without the full commitment of death since there was a giant inflatable pillow to catch us.

The football team’s spring game was trash, it was cold and rainy, so we left very early.

Bob Saget was the big event for the second day of Spring Weekend. Unfortunately it was sold out and some of us couldn’t get tickets, but a lot of people said it sucked, so there’s that. And even if we did get in, one of our dummy writers was the person who threw the nip on stage, so we would’ve gotten thrown out anyway. Here he is getting scolded by daddy:

Late Night was actually pretty fun, the highlights were the inflatable jousting ring and the inflatable obstacle course, two more events that let us release our pent up pre-finals aggression/depression. Also, the mechanical bull was pretty lit, even without being lit. 

Day 3:
OOzeball was definitely the highlight of this day. Nothing is more fun than playing in mud. NOTHING. Next was UConnapalooza which was a shit show. ALL WE WANTED WAS A FUCKING PLANT BUT THEY RAN OUT AFTER AN HOUR.

We cried for a while because we were way too sober to accept that we weren’t all getting free plants that we would probably kill out of neglect in one week’s time.

Next was the Food Truck Festival. In theory this is a great idea, but in reality it’s just “stand an hour in a line for Jamaican food.” So edgy. Was it worth it? Yes that curry rice was bomb as fuck, but then all of the other lines were about 100 people deep and not worth it. It was also freezing out so standing around for an hour was traumatizing. Why can’t there be booze at this thing again?

And finally we have the Evan Peters Lecture.

One of our staff  asked him about pineapple on pizza. We are very proud of her, even though she didn’t get kicked out like the aforementioned degenerate. Also, he chanted “UConn Huskies” which was enough to fill all our American Horror Story-charged fangirl fantasies.

And that was it for the “new and improved” Spring Weekend, which ultimately sucked ass. While we had some A-list appearances, and good ole’ fashioned high school fun, it’s apparent that UConn’s shitty ever-changing weather has the ability to ruin just about everything and anything.

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