Welcome new UConn Head Coach Dan Hurley! With you six year contract we are knocking on extremely hard wood (the bball court you pervs) that your stint here will result in BIG recruiting and MULTIPLE national championships. Sorry, we dream big here at UConn when it comes to hoops. Worst case scenario you join the Land of Misfit UConn Coaches, getting titty twisters from Bobby “Deez Nuts” Diaco and trying to cheer up mopey Kevin Ollie. But listen, the future is bright and we wanted to highlight everything Coach Hurley brings to the table, both good and bad:
Those big chompers:
Dan has made it public that when he eventually cuts the nets down for UConn during March Madness 2019 (yes, 2019), he won’t do it with scissors, but with his “razor sharp teeth” and so he can “taste the salt of the net on my fucking tongue.” The guy’s intense, and so are his pearly whites.
First name Dan:
Last year Jalen Adams accidentally called Kevin Ollie “dad” and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed and said Jalen you fucking idiot, he’s not your dad. Well Jalen should stick around this year if only because he can quickly cover this simple miscue by saying, “Dan, I said Dan please help me with my homework. Dan.”
Doesn’t have to move:
We get it Dan, you don’t have to move if you don’t want to. But Storrs is… you know, great. It’s great here. The locals are… nice.
The airplane “thing”:
Yes Dan’s contract guarantees chartered travel to away games, but that’s not because he’s a priss. It’s because Dan simply isn’t allowed on commercial traveling after taking too many “giant heaters” on both Southwest and American Airline flights. It’s probably for the best, though.
Welcome to the UConn family Dan! If you want to be Daddy of the Week please DM a picture of your butthole to @BlackSheepUConn on Twitter!
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