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First Weekend of Darty Season Bankrupts UConn Student After Drunk Food Binge at Ted’s

Friday greeted hibernating UConn students with balmy 70-degree weather, and it took all of 10 seconds before darty plans were made. Huskies everywhere maintained the tried and true practice of marathoning, not sprinting, through their darties. However, this was not the case for 6th semester comm major Mandy Bright, who took it one step too far and drunkenly purchased over $30 worth of food at Ted’s, catapulting her straight into a financial pit of shame and despair. 

She first joined her friends at Ted’s when the darty at Casa was unfortunately shut down. With a dying phone, an empty stomach, and a recent influx of cash due to it being pay day she stumbled up to the bartender to buy some food. “The girl had no light in her eyes,” a Ted’s employee told us. “She looked somewhere over my shoulder and said ‘I need all the the onion rings and pizza right now. Yes, keep the tab open, I am rich af.’ We had nothing to do but comply,” he continued.

We all know that nothing can stand in between a drunk girl and Ted’s food, but after sharing a plate of onion rings and cheese pizza with the entire table, she proceeded to make her way up to the bartender a second time. “She sauntered up like that scene in Pet Cemetery when the zombie animals attack the house,” the Ted’s employee recalled, “slapped her hand on the counter and said ‘one more round,’ but it was for food, not beers…” 

“I was like ‘are you serious, Mandy? You’re the best friend that ever was!'” reported 4th semester student Devin the next morning, who happily ate the last onion ring and drank “a literal shitload” of $2 Coors Lights.

Mandy graciously continued to share her food with those in the vicinity, happily chugging away at her Coke as those around her finally caught up to her level of intoxication.

Then, another order of cheese pizza and onion rings got delivered to the table. 

“At this point, that girl was the focal point of the entire restaurant and everyone wanted to be her friend,” the Ted’s employee told reporters. “No one questioned the multiple trips she made to the bar and how it was getting paid for, because they were too busy putting back Beaver’s left behind by previous customers.”

But come Monday, Mandy started sending out the following screenshot to all of those she can remember. “I literally spent my whole paycheck. And more. Like, what the fuck, I hate myself,” Mandy told The Black Sheep.

Those honorable enough have taken the opportunity to donate to this poor Huskies Venmo account. “I’m giving her $5 because she seemed like an alright chick and we’ve all been there before,” said Desdemona. Devin couldn’t be reached for comment. 

Let Mandy’s story be a warning to all those participating in darty season this year. The warm weather does things to one’s stomach and bank account, so be kind to your fellow Huskies and remember to share the wealth.



WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.



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