Actual Freshmen v. Senior Perspectives of SUBOG’s Free Shit

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There’s no doubt that no matter what your class standing is, getting free shit is and always will be the highlight of anyone’s day. Though the consequences are waiting in a line longer and more impatient than Lil Uzi’s canceled spring concert line, SUBOG always has more UConn merch to throw at us, and watches idly by from their ivory counsel towers as we run around like headless chickens to be the first 100 in line.

Sooner or later though, every student begins to learn that some free shit just isn’t worth that much wasted time. But does that mean once they see the Instagram post for free engraved mason jars they’ll decide against waiting in that line? Of course not.

Students gathered from far and wide to receive one of the first free giveaways on campus, advertised as a trendy engraved glass mason jar with a thick sturdy handle, filled to the brim with exquisite ice cream.

While this false advertisement was certainly a let down, this wasn’t the biggest disappointment of the afternoon. Any other day students would merrily all scream for ice cream, but on this fateful Friday afternoon the instantaneous mob of eager Huskies were screaming for something else: that mother fucking line to move.

Some were ensuring their frustration was heard more than others, and the distinction between those upper classmen versus the wallflower freshmen internalizing any spark of annoyance, was as clear as the glass in the advertised jar. Earnestly listening to the restlessness of students packed like sardines, The Black Sheep took action in letting those voices be heard.

“As soon as they mention free shit, it becomes a mosh pit,” junior Juwan Rosa says after waiting 50 minutes for the line to inch forward. “At this point it’s not about the ice cream or the jar, it’s just about the principle.”

“I always think it’ll be fun but it creates more anxiety than anything else. It’s never fun,” frustrated senior Katherine Garger told us. “You realize what you’re getting is not worth your time. I shouldn’t have let you talk me into this!” she exclaimed to her friend loudly enough for freshman Ben Dion to speak up: “Then you don’t have to be here,” he muttered with utter sass, followed by the unisonal ooooh.

Senior Brian Barnett was not dealing with anyone’s agitated sauce but his own. “Ugh, these people,” he sighed, shaking his head. “It doesn’t even have handles, that was the only part I was looking forward to. But the bright side is I can drink liquor out of a mason jar.”

Amongst the complaints someone said, “I feel bad for those people at the end of the line.” For which Barnett shamelessly laughs, “I left my sympathy in sophomore year.”

After the line began to move and students finally scooped up some ice cream, fighting off the wasp infestation in the topping bowls, final thoughts were declared.

When asked if the hour and five minute line was worth it, Dion, while excitedly eating his first free Dairy Bar ice cream, gave a definitive “Yes.”

“Maybe not if it wasn’t Dairy Bar,” the freshman added, “but with all these toppings. Definitely worth it.” He then dissolved into the crowd of mason jars, never to be seen again until the next Subog event.

As Barnett, the senior, half heartedly picked at his jar in dismay, we asked the same question: Was it worth it? “No.”

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