Chances are if you don’t know whether or not you’re a UConn fuckboy, you are. However, here are some helpful and informative tips about how to find out if you are unwanted by society. As a rule, if at least three out of the five markers of fuckboyism pertain to you, then you are in fact a fuckboy. If all five do, then you are the ultimate fuckboy. Also should five ultimate fuckboys come together they create a mega-fuckboy capable of destroying entire countries.
5.) Using the term fuckboy:
In a way, this is sort of like that game where you try not to think of the game, and if you think of the game you lose. No one who plays the game is capable of winning just like no fuckboy can avoid his own being. Fuckboy might be the most annoying term on the planet earth, it makes you sound like some sort of grown kindergartener that learned about words yesterday. Saying the word fuckboy on a consistent bases exudes unintelligence. This is what everyone around you is thinking when you use fuckboy in normal conversation.
4.) Being the “I fucked that chick” guy:
You and the boys are at dinner, a hot girl walks by, and suddenly your douchiest friend proclaims that yes, he has fucked that girl and yes we should worship him. False. No one cares. This is college and people bump uglies constantly. That dude isn’t a bad person, but he definitely expected a parade or at the very least a round of applause for doing the only thing he was biologically put on this earth to do. If someone asks you “Hey brogawd did you totally penis blast that girls vagina crevasse?” then you are welcome to tell the whole world your story. Otherwise, you should be put into a box and thrown into a river like the 101 Dalmatians.
3.) Not saying thank you when someone holds the door:
Judging by how often this happens, one might assume that there is a large population of the royal family on campus parading around Laurel Hall and other fine learning buildings. We don’t know who you think you are, but you sure as fuck aren’t a princess. If you were, holding the door for you would probably be law and not an act of common decency. If you happen upon someone wearing clothes that no college kid can afford without help from daddy, and they blow right through the doorway without so much as a thank you, follow them to the nearest staircase and push them down it.
2.) Saying you came in some random girl the other night:
You are too stupid to reproduce so we, as a society, hope your boys have Stevie Wonder’s sense of direction and the swimming skills of Steven Hawking. This shows complete disregard for the future of humanity because you know better than anyone the extent of your own idiocy and STILL chose to pass on your snapback-wearing DNA.
Pictured: “Hickory Ham” Mancini, former editor for The Black Sheep
1.) Changing the Music at Ted’s to the “Monster Mash”:
This one is pretty self-explanatory, don’t do this. The “Monster Mash” should occur once a night, no more, no less. Just. Once.