Have you ever endured the awkward eye contact that comes with walking across campus in wedges at 9 a.m. on a Saturday? Have you ever woken up to the fresh hell of none of your friends wanting to pick your sorry ass up from someone’s apartment? Well, sounds like you need a comprehensive ranking of “walk of shame” routes, for only the most active Huskies!
Click to enlarge, dummy!
Route 9: The Oaks —> Hilltop Apartments:
This is THE WORST walk of shame you can take UConn. First reason being its length, like you might as well go to the gym and power walk on the treadmill if you wanted to get in this much cardio. Other than that it has a lot of twists and turns so you might need to whip out your map app, which is just generally embarrassing, which just adds to the #sexhair you’re rocking. The real kicker, though, is that it covers a variety of areas for you to be seen: Storrs center, south campus, the bookstore, Gampel, and then Hilltop. The last thing you need is fresh-faced prospective UConn high schoolers seeing you in the harsh morning light as they buy UConn souvenirs from the bookstore.
Route 8: Alumni —> Towers:
Again, an extremely lengthy trek, as well as having a pretty righteous hill to conquer. This is low on the list due to it being such a high traffic area, god forbid you have to do this on an open house day and get looks of disdain from suburban dads, oof. The only reason this isn’t ranked dead last is you’ve got the opportunity to cut through buildings. We all know Storrs is the real windy city and some walks of shame could literally induce pneumonia, so you’ll need all the cover you can get. We personally recommend Homer Babbidge-Rowe-Gentry-Pharm-Towers dining, and you’re on your way to staying healthy and shame-free. Sort of.
Route 7: Garrigus Suites —> Busby Suites
Wow, another long walk and another fuckin’ hill, we’re sensing a pattern. However, at least on this route you’ve got ample sidewalks and low foot traffic. Overall not a fun time, but you won’t literally die.
Route 6: Husky Ville —> Busby:
This route offers the best short cut on campus, landing it at 6th. You’re cutting what could be over a mile walk to less than a 10-minute walk. The only downfall is you might get dirty, so either take your heels off and take the L (this presents a slight risk for ringworm), or let your pants be sacrificed to the walk of shame gods. Overall you might feel like you’re doing a hungover one-player version of the Oregon Trail, but you’ll get there, and hopefully won’t die of dysentery along the way.
Route 5: West —> East:
It’s a medium distance, has a medium difficulty of navigation, and a sees medium amount of foot traffic, which lands this right in the middle. This is just mediocre, we would know, we’re pretty great at mediocrity.
Route 4: North —> Towers:
You think you’d have to make your way down to N. Eagleville to hit the sidewalk and make the haul up to Tower, but your best bet is to cut through the cemetery. What better way to honor the dead than by stepping on their graves with your wretched shacker look, one sock on? If you’re lucky you might even crack your phone on one of the gravestones!
Route 3: Alumni —> South:
While this seems like a short distance, it really depends which buildings you live in and the time of day. You could be making the 500-yard trek at 11 a.m. on a Saturday, for which there’s a high probability of an event taking place on South Quad. Then you’re fucked, figuratively. We suggest leaving before 9 a.m. to be safe, but this gets a high ranking for the easy navigation and short distance.
Route 2: Next Gen —> North West:
This entire route allows you to use sidewalks and isn’t a highly populated area. If you banged last night, take this route. The only passersby are cars and other shackers, so you’re in good company.
Route 1: The Building Jump:
This requires having a pinch of selectiveness when it comes to your hook up, but if you live in the same place as your late night shake, but a different building, you’re WoS is a breeze. These include, among others: North, Towers, Hilltop, and the Oaks. It’s a short distance, little-to-no peers will see you, and you can bounce at 6 a.m. to catch those last few hours of blissful Zs in your own bed.
Google Maps ain’t got shit on The Black Sheep. Until they provide you with the best way to get home without anyone seeing you, look to us for all your walk of shame needs.
While you walk home you should listen to a podcast! Like this one!