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UConn Girls’ Guide to Winning in a World of Fuckboys

A great philosopher once said, “Boys of UConn…you have been truly awful this semester.” It doesn’t take much to recognize that girls of UConn have had enough. Turn on “IDFWU” at Huskies, and the wrath of every girl who’s ever been wronged by a boy a few feet away will come out in a force you wouldn’t imagine capable of coming from a 5’5” 21 year old. She’ll play it off as though she’s havin’ a blast with her squad, not even thinking about that last “K” text you sent, but deep down that text is eating her alive, and she’s never identified more with the lyrical genius of Big Sean. 

 

So ladies, this time at Huskies we’re gonna switch things up a little bit and turn on the Limbo, cause we’re about to lower the bar. Here’s The Black Sheep’s complete guide to setting your expectations low, translating their texts (you thought he actually meant what he just said? Are you new here?), and beating them at their own game. #LadiesLeaveYourManAtHome 

 

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1) Expect Nothing
This rule is especially true around semi/formal season. You’ve been hooking up for 6 months? You’ve met his family? He texts you every day? He ASKED you to his formal? Turns out that means nothing, and apparently nowadays it’s fair game to send a text the day prior to formal saying he’s “actually going to bring someone else.” He’d “still really love to come to yours tho.” What a silver lining. #blessed

 

2) Learn To Speak “Fuckboy”
This would be a level 4000 course for sure. It takes at least until your junior year of college to finally start to get the hang of it. By completion of the course, however, you’ll have no trouble reading a text, producing an exact opposite of it, and deriving what he actually means within minutes.

 

For example, “We should hang out some time this week.” Freshman year comprehension: “Aw I think he really likes me! I should tell all my friends and family about him. This is going somewhere.” Junior year comprehension: “He’s def fucking one of my sorority sisters too.” Sure, you’re a bitter and pessimistic version of the self you used to be, but hey, at least you’re being realistic. Remember Rule #1. 

 

3) Never Say You Like a Fuckboy
The second you say you like a fuckboy, you’ve lost. If anything, you should be rude. When he says you’re “one of the chillest girls he’s ever met,” and gives you candy that says, “be mine,” refer to Rule #2. Take a deep breath and ground yourself for a second since god knows you’re flyin’ high in La La Land the second he says all that.

 

Once grounded and feeling like the boss ass bitch that you are, respond with a simple, “thanks.” Remember that “K” text you were pissed about in the intro? That’s what you’re doing to him now. You’re making him question, “that’s all she has to say?” Table’s fucking turned. This may seem mean but trust us when we say that a fuckboy’s head is already exponentially larger than an average male’s. You’re doing this for the good of humanity.

 

4) Set A Timeline
In any college relationship, there’s going to be an “exclusive” phase. He wants you to hook up with him and only him, but — plot twist — does not want to date. Wait aren’t those the same thing? Nope! Your fuckboy has managed to trap you into hooking up with no other boys, while never actually having to take you out and, god-for-fucking-bid, drop $12 on a dinner at Red Rock. Gone are your days of “slutting around the bar,” as a fuckboy may so kindly put it. Hypocrite.

 

Now, if you’re cool with just hooking up, power to ya. But if you’re looking for a relationship, the exclusive phase should last no more than 4-6 weeks. At that point if he still “doesn’t really wanna date in college,” this is your cue to leave. You’re wasting precious time that could be spent at Ted’s

 

So, ladies, in the words of Kanye, “if you follow these instructions exactly, you might be able to pull you a rapper, a NBA player, hell at least a dude wit a car.” So drop the expectations of finding your perfect Jim/Pam relationship, learn how to analyze fuckboy texts like a pro, and know that behind every “be mine” candy, is a “I just fucked one of your best friends in the basement of the cave,” fuckboy. You’re better than that, girl. You’re a boss ass bitch.

 

*hair flip*

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