STORRS – Early Monday morning, Paul Gilchrist, 3-year vet of UConn Parking Services stood over a 2014 Honda Civic with no tires. On one hand, its tires had been stolen the night before, something he should probably look into he thought, but also, it had been parked in the same spot overnight, something that definitely deserves a $50 fine, he thought. Might these two things go hand in hand, the thought hurt Paul’s brain, so he called his superior.
“I called Mike my captain and said ‘Hey Mike, Paul here, I gotsa Honda Civic here with no tires but it been parked here for way too long. Whattaya say I do here?'” Paul later recalled to The Black Sheep. “I thought, well, our name is Parking Services, not Tire Thief Finders or Police, so I should probably just do what I do best, give tickets out to students the minute they’ve overstayed their parking spot.”
Paul’s captain, Mike Gertrude, Chief Ticketing Overseer of UConn Parking Services, understood Paul’s moral dilemma, but also seemed irked at what a great ploy this would be for his agency. “Think about it kid,” he told Paul kicking his legs onto a stack of four Honda Civic tires, “what’s the #1 thing keeping this agency from reaching greatness? Cars leaving the parking lots. Now, what if they couldn’t leave the parking lots? Huh? Think about that. Tires get stolen, we say Hey we’re just parking services not camera guys or tire thief catchers! Blamo, we ticket the cars, collect that cash money, and soon my ungrateful bitch of a wife might stop sleepin’ around.”
“That sounds like a weird conspiracy,” said Amanda Bernardin, a sophomore English major. “I just want to know, like, how they don’t have cameras in parking lots. It seems like one of the first places you’d want a camera. Where does all that money from tickets even go?”
“Where were the cops when they knew this was an ongoing thing? Ticketing 19 year old bros for holding a Natty Ice? They didn’t just think the thieves would be like ‘Ok enough tires for us! We got as many as we need thanks.’ That’s not really what thieves think,” asked Amanda as she spun into a perplexed ball of hysteria.
“Listen,” Mike told reporters, “we’ll just keep doin’ what we do, and that’s servicing the parking lots. Don’t know what servicin’ means? Look it up, ain’t nothin’ in there about catchin’ thieves. If you got yer tires stolen, sorry bud, better get it moved before your time runs out, we got a parking lot to run. This ain’t Two Buck Tuesdays at Electric Blue, you know what I’m sayin’?”
We didn’t, but we left before Paul could ticket our car and/or the wheels got taken off. Will Parking Services step up and solve this crime? Or will they just continue to do nothing, opting to take the more lucrative route of ticketing cars the literal second their time runs out?